Low Maintenance – Is It Really a Good Thing?

People frequently tell me that I am low maintenance. I take it as a compliment because I think it’s intended that way, but a deeper look makes me question why I’m low maintenance. First off, let’s define this term. My definition is that it’s someone who is easy to get along with, doesn’t demand or ask for too much, and who goes with the flow. All those sound pretty good, but where I question my maintenance status is, am I good with things or am I pretending things are good because I don’t want to rock the boat or to be high maintenance? 

By the way, I rarely hear men being called high maintenance, so that also made me question the benefit of being low maintenance. Is an amiable personality only desired for women? If so, maybe it’s time to be a little less agreeable and a little more open about what we really want and need in a variety of situations. I started to really observe my own behavior and in doing so, asked myself if this is what I really want or am I saying it’s “fine” because I don’t want to bother anyone else.  It turns out that I often defer to what someone else wants because it’s easier and I don’t have to conflict with anyone or challenge their status quo.

I also started to redefine high and low maintenance to boundary setting, asking for what I want in a polite, assertive way, and saying no when I really didn’t want to do something. These behaviors are not maintenance related, but rather me showing up as an equal in all situations. Fine is another version of the “F” bomb in that it’s okay, but it’s not great and it might not be what I really want. I realized that it’s uncomfortable for me to be anything but low maintenance. I like for other people to like me and to be happy and comfortable when I’m around them. That’s all good and yet where am I in that picture? 

So how does one check their maintenance status to make sure it’s working for them? Ask yourself why you are choosing to do something. Is it because it will make the other person happy or less angry? There’s nothing wrong with that, but you want to make sure that you are consciously choosing it rather than feeling you “have” to do it for the other person. Also ask yourself what you want and sit with that. Start with simple things such as, “What do I want for dinner?” “How do I want to spend my day off?” Low maintenance shouldn’t mean giving up your own desires. 

Choosing to be agreeable because that is truly who you are is great. Being low maintenance because you are afraid not to be really stinks. Check your maintenance level not by checking in with others, but rather by checking in with yourself. Let me know how you do. 

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC