Recently, in a class I was teaching, one of the participants said something that has stayed with me. He told the group he had been hiding behind his discomfort with other people. Our world feels so divided right now, he said, that he didn’t want to find out the new people he was meeting might be mean or judgmental or even a value system that seemed in conflict with his values. So he simply avoided meeting them. It felt safer that way.
When he finally let himself get to know these people, something surprising happened. He really liked them. He liked who they were as human beings. And the more he listened, the more he realized how much they had in common with him. He got emotional when he shared this with the class because he realized that he was walling himself off from others and that he was lonely, scared, and not showing up the way he wanted to.
If we’re honest, most of us carry some version of his fear. We walk into a new team, a neighborhood gathering, a networking event, or a family dinner and quietly scan for danger. Will they judge me? Will they think I’m on the “wrong” side? Are they on the “wrong” side? Will this get uncomfortable?
So we protect ourselves. We stick with the people we already know. We keep conversations safe and shallow. We skip the event altogether. And in a climate where so many conversations seem to turn into arguments, that self-protection can feel completely reasonable.
Here’s the interesting point: the story we tell ourselves about other people is often wrong.
What the research tells us about strangers
Behavioral scientists Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder at the University of Chicago tested this directly. In their 2014 paper, Mistakenly Seeking Solitude, they asked Chicago-area commuters to either strike up a conversation with a stranger, sit quietly alone, or ride as they normally would.
The people who talked to a stranger reported a significantly happier ride than those who kept to themselves, even though a separate group of commuters predicted exactly the opposite. Participants guessed that only about 40% of strangers would be willing to talk with them. In practice, every single person approached was willing. And the benefit showed up for introverts and extraverts alike.
In other words, we consistently underestimate how much other people want to connect with us, and how good it will feel when we do.
And what it tells us about “the other side”
The same kind of mistake shows up in how we think about people who vote differently than we do. The nonpartisan research group More in Common studied this in a national survey they called The Perception Gap. They found that both Democrats and Republicans overestimate how many people on the other side hold extreme views, typically by about 20 percentage points or more. That doesn’t mean our disagreements aren’t real. They are. But the person sitting across from us is very often more reasonable, more thoughtful, and more like us than the version we have built in our heads.
Looking for the good
What my class participant discovered, and what I want to remind myself, is that we get to choose what we look for in other people.
We can look for the threat, or we can look for the good. We can look for the differences, or we can look for the similarities. And there are almost always similarities. We worry about our kids and our aging parents. We want to feel respected at work. We love our dogs a little too much. We get nervous walking into a room full of people we don’t know.
You don’t have to agree with someone, or vote for the same politicians, to recognize their humanity. Agreement isn’t the price of connection. Curiosity is.
A few ways to practice this:
- Lead with curiosity, not categories. Ask about someone’s work, their family, what they care about, before you ever wonder how they vote.
- Listen for the overlap. Make a quiet game of finding three things you have in common with each new person you meet.
- Assume good intent first. Give people the benefit of the doubt you would want them to give you.
- Notice your story. When you feel yourself pulling back, ask: am I reacting to this person, or to my assumptions about them?
A small invitation
This week, I’d invite you to do what my participant eventually did. Have one conversation you might normally avoid. Sit next to someone new. Ask one more question than feels comfortable.
You may find, as he did, that the people you were afraid to meet are people you actually like. And you may find that the divide we keep hearing about is a lot narrower, up close, than it looks from a distance.
Love,
Certified Professional Coach and Psychologist
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How often have you wished for that person in your life who listens deeply, doesn’t judge you, and doesn’t try to fix you? That person who holds space for you to talk through your struggles, your hopes, and dreams so that you can live the personal and professional life that you truly want? I’m that person. Yes, I’m a psychologist and a professional life and leadership coach but my superpower is listening, deep, empathic, compassionate listening. If you’ve been seeking a professional listener who will help you live the life you truly desire, let’s set up a time to talk. My email is Lisa@LisaKaplin.com