“Your butt looks great in those jeans, I’m so jealous.”
This is something my friend Stacy will often say to me. Naturally, I’m flattered and not just because of the compliment. I admire her because she is willing to admit that she’s jealous. She doesn’t hold back at all.
I realize that even though I don’t often admit to it, many times I feel jealous of others. In fact, I’m ashamed to admit that I will silently search for a flaw in the person that I’m jealous of. Have you ever done that? I think that I’m not alone in these thoughts and feelings.
Why Aren’t Your Friends Happy for You?
Another friend asked me recently why some of her friends don’t seem happy for her success, won’t compliment her, and seem to avoid her as she starts to fly. Unfortunately, I think it’s for the same reasons that I look for flaws or am embarrassed to admit that I’m jealous.
The truth is that it can be hard to be happy for others when you aren’t feeling so great about yourself. It just doesn’t seem fair that they are more successful, happier, more attractive, lucky, gifted, etc. Their success seems to highlight those areas that we feel most insecure about.
Celebrate the Success of Others to Feel Better About Yourself
Once you get over your own insecurities and unhappiness and start celebrating the success of others, you start to feel better about yourself. Being happy for others takes absolutely nothing away from you. You’ll find that, in a curious way, it feels quite good to admit to your feeling of jealousy and insecurity. You can just be yourself and own how you feel and why you feel that way. When you start to feel genuinely happy for someone else you begin to want the same thing for yourself. This is what happens when you become friends with wonderful women like Stacy.
Spread the Compliments
In reality, your friend needs to hear your compliments. She needs you to celebrate with her. We have all been that teen girl who felt ugly, insecure, unimportant or unloved. We have been that girl who grows up to be a woman who still struggles with fears and insecurities. Trust me, it took a lot for her to dive in and build that business, or start a new job, or get healthy, or quit smoking, or find a partner who is perfect for her. She has been scared and unhappy just like you. It will mean the absolute world to her for you to give her that compliment, to recognize her success, and to celebrate with her.
Help Each Other Fly
It’s easy to tear others down to say, “Who does she think she is?” and similar mean girl type of insults. Is that who you really want to be? How powerful would women be if we stopped pulling each other down and instead found things to support in each other? How much better would you feel about yourself if you found something wonderful to compliment in the women around you? Wouldn’t you want the same for yourself? And just think of the messages we would be sending our daughters if they watched us help each other fly.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC