Do you have friends who complain you don’t call them? I have very few friends who say that to me. Maybe that’s because they’ve stopped being friends with me! It’s such an interesting comment and one that I use to react to defensively. “Well, I’ve been working so hard.” Or “So much going on with the kids that I barely have time to breathe.” Both of those are true and what’s also true is that I’m mostly terrible at calling people. I don’t love being on the phone, particularly since my work is mostly me talking to people all day either on the phone or on Zoom.

It’s not that I don’t care about these friends. I really do. I also care about my free time, my time to read books, my time to sit alone, and time spent with family. Yet here’s the thing I always found interesting about those friends…they didn’t call me either! Sometimes I pointed that out, but often I just got defensive and then apologized and then the cycle would start again. So, it wasn’t so much that we didn’t talk to each other, but rather that I didn’t reach out to them.

It seems what they really meant was, “I want to know that you care or think about me and the way you can show that to me is by calling me before I call you.” I’m not sure that would have changed my low-calling tendencies; however, it would have felt so much more honest and authentic than calling me out for not calling when they are doing the same. There are plenty of times when I don’t say exactly what I’m thinking and feeling, so I understand the impulse to protect one’s feelings and shift the blame.

Low Maintenance Friendships Are My Best Friendships

My favorite friends are the ones who call when they want to talk, I call them when I want to talk, and if we don’t talk for months, it’s all fine. My best college friends are like that. We could talk once a year and never feel even slightly different about each other. When we do get together, it’s as if we’ve never been apart and we start up like the forever friends that we are. We know we can call each other whenever we want, we can ask for support whenever we need it, and we can not talk for months and nothing in our relationship will change.

I also have a local group of friends like that. We call our group “The Bitches” and are quite pleased with ourselves and our low-maintenance rules. Our text thread keeps us engaged and calls are placed randomly and at one’s own desire. If they don’t call me back, I’m good with that. If I really need or want them to call me back, I’ll say so. Are those relationships more authentic? Not necessarily, yet they certainly work well for me.

If you find yourself saying to a friend or loved one, “You never call me.” Ask yourself, do you call them? Do you do for them what you want them to do for you? If not, how come? Are you afraid that if you make the first move, they’ll love you less? What if you call them and they are thrilled you called and you have a wonderful conversation? Isn’t that worth picking up the phone?

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC