Frequently, I point out to my clients that they are bullies. Not bullies to anyone else, but really big bullies to themselves. They are highly critical of themselves, say mean things to themselves, and are generally not very nice people when speaking to themselves. When I point this out I either get, “Well I’m just being honest with myself” or “This is the only thing that motivates me.” I call BS on both of these excuses.
Being honest with ourselves is being discerning, not judgmental. I’m not a great singer, that would be a fact about me, and yet it doesn’t suggest whether I’m a good person or not. It’s not a reflection of who I am, but rather information about a skill that I clearly don’t possess. Could I take voice lessons and change that? Possibly. If I did, it would be very important to have faith that I could improve in order to get the most out of those voice lessons. Going into the lessons with the belief that I’m terrible and I don’t have the capability to improve at this would only demotivate me more.
And here’s the funny thing that almost always happens when I ask my clients to stop being bullies and start being kind to themselves…they tell me that it’s hokey or like a bad meme that you see on the internet. Well maybe those things are true, however, why is it okay to tell yourself really mean and judgmental things and yet it’s not okay to tell yourself the opposite? Particularly, when you realize the opposite is true. You get to choose the story you tell yourself and you are going to choose the one that makes you feel awful? Make it make sense!
What if I faced each day with a belief in myself? A belief in my desire to grow, learn, and improve? What if I started talking to myself the way that I talk to my children, my partner, my friends, my clients, and especially my dog? I say nice things to all of them almost all the time. I have faith in them and I tell them so. I see their potential and their greatness and I remind them of that and yet it’s okay to tell myself anything but? So what if my motivational statements come from a corny GIF? Is that not better than a tirade against myself? Is that not better than a rundown of all my faults? Give me the corny GIF anytime!
Ultimately, we are the person we tell ourselves we are. If you tell yourself you are bad, stupid, useless, etc., you will live in that belief. You will believe it and so will those around you. If you tell yourself that you are kind, capable, smart, and thoughtful, you will live in those beliefs. Since the choice is yours, why in the world would you choose to believe that you are anything less than fantastic?
Love,
Certified Professional Coach and Psychologist
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How often have you wished for that person in your life who listens deeply, doesn’t judge you, and doesn’t try to fix you? That person who holds space for you to talk through your struggles, your hopes, and dreams so that you can live the personal and professional life that you truly want? I’m that person. Yes, I’m a psychologist and a professional life and leadership coach but my superpower is listening, deep, empathic, compassionate listening. If you’ve been seeking a professional listener who will help you live the life you truly desire, let’s set up a time to talk. My email is Lisa@LisaKaplin.com.