What If Boundaries Actually Brought You Closer to Others?

The topic of boundary setting comes up frequently with my clients. “I need to set more boundaries, but I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.” “I need some alone time, but I’m afraid my partner will be mad at me if I do that.” “My team wants me to be at every meeting with them, but I don’t think it’s a good use of my time. I don’t want them to be disappointed in me.” Boundaries are challenging for most of us, and almost always the reason for that is our concern that we will hurt or disappoint others when we set those boundaries.

Yet what happens when we don’t set boundaries? We get exhausted, frustrated, and resentful. Then how do we show up? Exhausted, frustrated, and resentful! And how do you think those around us feel when we show up that way? Hurt and disappointed! So, the thing you are trying to avoid when setting boundaries, is the very thing that happens when you don’t set them.

The Contradictory Magic of Boundaries

When we set kind and appropriate boundaries, we are setting ourselves and those around us up for stronger, closer relationships. We are focusing on the quality of our time together versus the quantity of it. We are essentially saying, “I care about you so much that I want to show up as my best self when I spend time with you.” This goes for our personal and professional relationships. When we set those limits, we model self-care. We also ultimately engage in those relationships in a healthy, connected manner.

When we set kind and appropriate boundaries, we are setting ourselves and those around us up for stronger, closer relationships. #boundaries #selfcare #relationships #leadership Click To Tweet

Think about how you feel when you set boundaries on your space and time. Think about how much happier, kinder, and more loving you are when you do that. Want to be close to others? Set boundaries for yourself and the relationship. Want to have more productive and less contentious work conversations? Set boundaries for yourself and those conversations. If your biggest fear around boundary setting is putting a strain on relationships, then face the fact that by not doing so, you are already straining the relationship.

If your choice is either hurting people by setting limits or hurting people by showing up miserably, choose the first one. Ultimately, people will see that those limits improve relationships, improve communication, and increase connection. Lead by example, set the limits, show up in the best way that you can, and watch your life improve in so many ways.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC