Last week I wrote a blog about mothers and daughters and many people have asked me to expand on that to include fathers. I didn’t intentionally exclude dads, it’s just that my private coaching work focuses on women and I’m neither a father nor do I play one on TV. However, I have worked with many fathers in the past and I happened to have been raised by one who I think did a great job being my dad. So here’s to the most important man in a girl’s life and the person who will most impact how she relates to other men.

Dads, what do you most want for your daughters? Ask yourself this question because often the things we do on a daily basis as parents aren’t the things that might be best for our children in the long run. Do you want your daughter to be dependant, fearful, weak, hypersensitive or hypercritical? Were you hoping that she be demanding, nagging, nasty, or rude? I’m guessing your answer to these questions would be no yet I see so many dads contributing to these behaviors in their daughter’s development.

Is your daughter your little princess or your little porcelain doll? Let me just go off on a quick tangent by asking WHAT THE HELL IS SO GREAT ABOUT BEING A PRINCESS? Do we really want our daughters to be princesses? Entitled, spoiled, over dressed, and waited on like little divas? Princesses don’t look like they are having much fun in their uncomfortable clothing, stuck in a castle, always having to worry about their appearance. Who needs that? A couple of my friends recently posted pictures of their high school girls playing flag football in the mud. These young women don’t want to be princesses, they want to play, be strong and have fun. Do you really want your daughter to be a fragile porcelain doll who cracks at the first sign of trouble? No, no, no! Yet so often we treat girls in just that way which leads them to believe that they are fragile, weak, and in need of someone stronger to care for them.

Treat your daughter like a person, a strong person who is learning how to grow up by watching her parents. Do you focus on the academics of your sons more than your daughters? What’s the message you are sending her? Do you often mention that she should marry someone rich? Do you really want to have your daughter unable to care for herself financially or otherwise? If she and her partner choose to have one work out of the house and one work in the home, that’s a fine choice but what if things don’t work out that way? What if your daughter is stuck in an unhappy relationship or she loses her partner? Don’t you want her to know that she can care for herself in every possible way? Why would we consider sending our daughters out into the world any less prepared than our sons?

Dads, talk to your daughters about life, work, politics, sports, relationships. Give them your perspective on these issues and listen when they want to talk to you. Take them to work with you, share your passions with your daughter even if they are considered typically male endeavors. Your daughter wants to connect with you and she might not know how. What does she like to do? Do you support it or laugh it off as “girl” stuff? You’ve just let her know that what’s important to her is silly and second class. Is that the message you really want to give her?

Let’s talk about the can of worms we call body image. Dads, you play a huge role in how your daughter will feel about herself physically. Don’t discuss her appearance in sexual terms, not only is it seriously creepy but it sexualizes your daughter in a way that is harmful to her. I’ve heard dads tell others how “hot“ their daughters are. Yuck! Address your daughter with kindness, respect, and unconditional love. Don’t focus on her weight or her appearance, acknowledge and recognize who she is as a human being. Girls are bombarded with ridiculous images of beauty and thinness that must be countered at home with discussions of health, energy, caring behavior, kindness and strength. Don’t discuss the weight and appearance of others, particularly in a critical manner. Your daughter is watching you to understand what you consider beautiful or ugly and she is likely to base her views on what she has learned from you.

If you like sports, share them with your daughter either by watching them together or playing them together. However, don’t force the issue if she likes other more traditionally female activities better. If your daughter likes to dance or paint for example, get interested in her activities. Nothing hurts a girl more than when her dad spends more time on the baseball field with her brother than he does at the theatre for her dance recital. Don’t just go to the recitals go with enthusiasm, pride, and excitement. If your daughter is an athlete, go cheer her on as much as you would her brothers. Get involved and show her that you care about her activities.

The single most important thing that you can teach your daughter is how to be treated in a relationship. She will watch how you treat her mother (and other women) and she will mirror that in her own relationships. Do you treat her mother with respect (whether you are married to her or not)? Do you speak kindly to her or are you aggressive and belittling? Do you criticize your daughter’s mother for her appearance and other superficial issues? You just taught your daughter a very important lesson but I don’t think it’s the one you want to teach her. If you are the primary breadwinner in the home, do you behave as if your job is more important than your wife’s? Is that what you want your daughter to believe about being a mother?

On the other hand, are you a “yes dear” kind of guy? That’s not a good message to send either. If you allow your wife to belittle or nag you or to treat you disrespectfully, you’ve just taught your daughter that that’s how spouses treat each other. Instead, teach her how to interact with each other as equals, partners, and caring parents. Show your daughter how to communicate under stress in an appropriate manner, how to manage conflict and uncomfortable situations, and how to show love that isn’t controlling or angry. Flowers and gifts are fine but they are superficial if you don’t have the behaviors to back them up. Don’t teach your daughter to be bought off by gifts and not true emotional intimacy.

Finally, look at your daughter with true love every single day. I’m 49-years-old and every time I see my father he lights up with a big smile, kind, loving words and a hug for me. I know that there were many years that that must have been hard for him to do because I wasn’t always so easy to deal with. However, that unconditional look and the love that he continually gives me has sustained me through many a difficult day because I know that there is one amazing man in my life who loves me no matter what. Give your daughter that gift.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC