A few weeks ago, I wrote about my in-law’s sixtieth wedding anniversary and how much I admire their marriage. Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated our thirtieth wedding anniversary. It’s slightly awkward, since we got married when we were ten years old, so we are still quite young for this celebration ;). Honestly, when I think back to when we met and our wedding day, it does feel as if I was a young child at that time. There was so much that I didn’t know and such a wild ride ahead of me.

My in-laws marriage seems like a casual stroll in the park in comparison to my marriage. My husband and I came of age and had children when society seemed to be making a big shift around division of labor, child raising responsibilities, and career development for all. Needless to say, my husband and I were probably reflective of society as a whole as we navigated our way through very rocky waters. Our marriage has felt more like a wild Disney ride than a calm walk through the park and though challenging at times, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

If you know the two of us, you know that neither of us lacks an opinion nor a strong personality to present that opinion. Our children have often commented that they feel like they are watching a tennis match when my husband and I land on opposite sides of a discussion. I’ve often read that marriages don’t die in a fiery argument, but rather in the last remnants of a burned out fire. That analogy suggests that our marriage is clearly still very much alive. 

Leaning in to 30 Years of for Better or Worse

Marriage is neither for the faint of heart, nor the selfish. It is challenging, frustrating, and sometimes miserable. It’s not for everyone and I’d be shocked if any married person said that they hadn’t had moments of doubt a few times throughout their marriage. And yet there is such joy in sharing one’s life with another. No one else in the world understands the joy I feel when I look at my children as much as my husband. No one else knows my fears or my quirky habits better than he does, and there is great comfort in that. 

We’ve gotten some truly dreadful marriage advice over the years, and trust me, we’ve sought plenty of it. “Don’t go to bed mad” being the absolute worst advice of all. Nothing good is said when two people are tired and overwhelmed. Many an argument was over after a good night’s sleep and a new look at the day. Big expressions of love never seemed to do our marriage much good, but those small moments of kindness and connection mattered so much more. The tiny look of love or understanding, a shared private joke, or a small gesture of kindness are the tiny sparks that foster togetherness.

I’m pretty sure that there is no one secret to a lasting marriage and that some marriages aren’t even meant to last. Each marriage brings it’s own challenges and opportunities for both the individual and the family. If there is any advice that I can give to others on the marriage adventure, it’s to find yourself and be a fully formed, conscious, and aware human being. If we look to our spouse to fill our needs, we are sure to be disappointed periodically. I think back to the hopeful and somewhat naïve woman that I was thirty years ago on my wedding day. I want to say to her, “Buckle up honey! You are in for the ride of your life!” And then I’d tell her to let go of the handle bars, throw her head back, and enjoy every moment of it. 

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC