The Relationship Contract: Have you reviewed yours lately?

Were you aware that you had a contract with every person you interact with? Did you know that you have an unspoken, unwritten contract with your partner, your kids, your co-workers, your boss, etc.? If not, you might want to check that contract out. We all walk into relationships with expectations, yet many of those are unconscious in that we aren’t even aware of our own expectations. Without awareness, we may often get into a situation where we are unhappy with our relationship because we think the other person isn’t meeting our needs.

This is called a psychological contract and it’s at the heart of all relationships. Some examples might be, “He should KNOW what I want without me telling him.” “She should be excited to talk about my work at the end of each day.” “He should show up to work earlier and be ready to go by 9 a.m., not strolling in at 9 a.m.” “She should be willing to give up her vacation in order to prioritize her work.” “My kids should be grateful without me telling them so.” “People shouldn’t talk to me on a plane. I want to be left alone.” “People should be friendlier and chattier on a plane.” And so on.

None of these expectations are necessarily right or wrong, but rather they are unspoken expectations that another person may not meet. If someone knows your expectations of them, they can decide if they want to meet them or not. If they don’t even know the expectations, they are likely to disappoint you. Yet once you are disappointed, they won’t really understand why you feel that way. It’s a miserable doom-loop that we see played out in personal and professional relationships every day.

How to Clarify Our Relationship Expectations

So what can we do about these dangerous contracts? We can talk about them. We can tell others what expectations we have of them and our relationship. We can give them the opportunity to respond to our expectations and in doing so decide if we want to continue on with the relationship. If you knew you had to give up a vacation at the drop of a hat if your boss asked you to do so, would you take that job? There’s no right or wrong answer, but an answer is necessary for a healthy relationship.

Would you marry someone who expected you to do all the housework? How would you know that was their expectation if you didn’t talk to them about it beforehand? It’s all about communicating what we want and don’t want in our personal and professional relationships. If we don’t clarify these expectations, our relationships are doomed to strife and misery.

Think about all of the relationships in your life and the expectations you have around them. Then consider discussing those expectations with the others in these relationships. You might end the friendship, partnership, etc., but you would be doing so in a mature and healthy manner. On the other hand, you might just find that your contract is perfect for both of you and you move forward in the relationship. Either way depends on you.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC