The ONE Thing You Can Do to Improve Every Relationship in Your Life

I’m not exaggerating when I say that changing one simple thing can improve every relationship in your life. Frequently, I’m asked, “How can I get my employees not to quit?” “How can I motivate people?” “How can I improve my marriage?” “How can I have a better relationship with my kids?” Who doesn’t want to improve their relationships? Most people try to improve their relationships by doing exactly what they have been doing. Then they are shocked that their relationship is the same as it always has been or even worse!

Let me bring you in on a little secret: Most of us want one thing in life and that is to be truly seen. Seen without judgment, without someone trying to fix us, and with unconditional love and regard for who we are. The problem is that often in relationships, we do the exact opposite of what would improve our relationships. Thus, our relationships suffer, resentments build, and those relationships get worse and worse.

So how do we truly see someone without judgment? Hold on for this…we listen to them. We truly listen and then we let them know that we heard them. We can paraphrase back what they’ve said to us or we can sit quietly. What we don’t want to do is disagree, judge, criticize, or try to fix someone. Let’s look at an example.

How to Listen Without Judgment

Let’s say your employee tells you that they are unhappy with some aspect of work. Here’s what you don’t want to say, “What’s your problem? Everyone else does this. You shouldn’t be unhappy. Get over it.” You also don’t want to try to talk them out of their feelings. Any of those responses will lead to frustration for your employee and the likelihood of them confiding in you again is pretty unlikely. On the other hand, it is likely they will feel aggravated and resentful and that will build as time goes on.

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Rather, consider really hearing what they have to say without judging their feelings and without trying to change their mind or to fix anything. Most often, you can’t fix anything anyway. Your employees will know that and yet they might just want to share their feelings with you. As a leader, allowing people to do so will not only endear them to you, it will lead to closer more authentic communication in the future.

This is the truth in personal relationships as well. Observe yourself for the next week and see if you are actually listening to people or if you are trying to fix them, change their mind, judge them, or get them to stop talking. If you want a better relationship with them, stop and truly listen. Listen without judgment. Try it and watch how your relationships improve immediately and exponentially.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC