This week my oldest son left to work in Europe for the next ten months. When he gets back, he is planning to go to graduate school. Those are both really amazing things and although I’m very proud of him, my mom brain has been going a bit crazy. All summer I’ve been thinking that this may be the last summer that the five of us live together. The last summer that I have my whole family under the same roof and safely tucked in their beds each night.
How is it possible that time has gone this quickly? When my boy was first born, I couldn’t even imagine him going to kindergarten, much less getting a place of his own. And although I know that this is how life is supposed to proceed and that it is all good, it is still so hard. There are days that I just want time to stand still to keep my family together for just a while longer. I look forward to my children getting married and to future grandchildren, but for this summer I just wanted it to be the five of us.
The Thought of Changing Times
It was hard for me to move my racing brain away from the thought of changing times to really relishing the summer that is. I tried to stop and just look and listen to my children. I tried desperately to take in each precious moment of my family and our summer together. I tried to not worry about the future and to live in each moment of the present. Often I was successful, but not always. The thought of my babies flying out of the nest for good is one that comes with wildly mixed feelings.
Being a parent has been, without question the best part of my life. Having children isn’t for everyone, but for me it has been one of life’s greatest gifts. As this summer sped to a close, I felt the familiar knot in my stomach that signaled a pending change in my family structure. My son was leaving for his new destination, my daughter was applying to college, and my baby was getting his driver’s license. Time marches on as they move to adulthood and I guide them there. Yet there are days that I’d like to gently hold them back for just a while.
I didn’t know it was our last summer.
I remember the last summer that I lived with my own parents and my brother. I didn’t know it was our last summer, but my dad must have in that he pushed hard for a “last” family portrait. Not long after, my brother left for the army, I found an apartment with friends, and later my parents moved to Alabama. The four of us have never lived in the same state, much less the same home, since. I’m not sure now that I would have wanted to know that it was our last summer. It would have been too sad…too final. I’m glad I just enjoyed my family and that summer in the careless way that a young person can.
I won’t tell my children that I’m sad about this possibly being our last summer together. They don’t need to feel the burden of my sadness as they fly off to their own fabulous lives. I’ll let them look to their future without the burden of my feelings. They deserve at least that. It was a truly perfect summer and I’m grateful for it. And as I know from my own life, the last summer leads to many, many more first and even better summers.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC