This weekend my oldest child will graduate from college. As with so many other major parenting events, this one brings a whole host of mixed feelings from pride and joy to fear and sadness for the quick passage of time. I try not to have too many regrets about my parenting but there are always a few things that I would do differently. I certainly overwatered and over worried with my first child and according to him I’m much more laid back with his siblings. There is one parenting issue, however, that I thought I’d share because I’m not quite sure if it was a success or a failure.
When my son told my husband and I that he wanted a small, liberal arts college in the Midwest we sprung into action sure that each of us could find the perfect college for our future co-ed. My husband kept hearing about Carlton College in Minnesota and began a rather hard-core campaign for our son to look at the prestigious and competitive college. Our son promptly refused. With each push from us our child refused more. My husband and I are typically not subtle people, we like to win, and we really like people to do what we say so we soldiered on with our Carlton College march. Our son never backed down.
When my son and I hit the Minnesota area to look at a few colleges I was sure that I could convince him to look at Carlton. We were at a school nearby when I even offered to not tell my husband if we looked at the school. Not surprisingly, my son refused. The kid is nothing if not stubborn! A few months later our son applied to Kenyon College in Ohio. He was admitted in the early decision process and he will be graduating this weekend in the beautiful town of Gambier, Ohio.
So herein lies the question; did the Carlton College Parenting Theory succeed or fail? Our boy never saw the school; he never attended Carlton yet he found the perfect school for himself. He fit right in both socially and academically. He loved the peaceful campus in the middle of nowhere and the close proximity to his girlfriend’s college. In other words, our son knew what was right for himself. He found his place despite his parent’s shenanigans. He found his assertive voice when dealing with us and succeeded quite well in college.
Did we ultimately push him into the place where he belonged because he was so busy going against what we wanted? Didn’t that eventually lead to a win for all of us? I’m not sure but I know that most of us have children that will do quite well despite us. We will stumble, fall, argue, and push and they will find their own way based on what they want and not necessarily what we want and most likely, that will lead to good things.
And what about Carlton College? No worries, I have two more children.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC