The heaviest weight that my clients carry is a big ole box of shoulds! “I should work out more.” “I should set boundaries.” “I should ask for that raise or promotion.” “I should have that hard conversation with my partner.” “I should spend more time with my kids.” And on and on the shoulds go. They should on themselves in so many ways and then they are drained, tired, and lack motivation. Ironically enough, my clients often don’t even realize that those boxes of shoulds are what’s keeping them exhausted and drained.
Where do shoulds come from? They come from some old stories of things we think we should be doing based on our internalization of what others and society has told us. Shoulds are not wants. They are heavy and weighed down with judgment and expectations. Most of us find that when we are shoulding on ourselves, it’s about something that we either don’t want to do, don’t know how to do, or are afraid to do. Which, of course, leads us to not doing it.
Listen carefully to yourself for when you are shoulding on yourself. What’s the story you are telling yourself around that should? Should you workout or do you actually want to workout? How much different would your workout be if you actually chose to workout because you wanted to? If you decided to approach your partner with a hard conversation because you wanted to talk to them versus feeling that you should talk to them, how different would that conversation go?
Shoulds are often reflective of unconscious values or those values that were handed down to us, not the values that we actually choose ourselves. So start with getting clear and conscious about what and whom you value most in life. Then start to choose what you want to do in life versus shoulding on yourself and feeling guilty and unmotivated. What you’ll find is that you are much more motivated when setting goals around your wants versus your shoulds.
Let me know how you do.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC