The Star Trek Theory

My husband loves Star Trek. I don’t. He really enjoyed the television shows and he likes to see the movies as they come out. I don’t. Last weekend my husband invited me to dinner and the new Star Trek movie. I said yes. The movie wasn’t awful, the company was good, and my husband was very happy. That same week all of my clients seemed to be asking the same question, “Should we do something that we don’t want to, just to make our partner happy?”

That’s when I came up with the Star Trek Theory, which I’m sure will be famous any day now! Should we say yes to something that we don’t want to do just because it will make our partner happy? The answer . . . it depends. If you are saying yes in order to keep your partner from being angry with you, the answer is no. Never do something in order to keep your partner from anger. But also don’t say no just to make them angry. Neither is good for you or your relationship.

If, however, you say yes because it means a lot to your partner and you like to make your partner happy, then by all means, say yes. Doing things for your partner is part of a healthy, happy relationship. Sharing in each other’s interests is great for both of you and will bring you closer together in all areas of your lives. Giving to each other is ultimately a requirement for long lasting relationships.

On the other hand, if you are always doing what your partner wants and doing so to make them happy, but things are not reciprocal, trouble is brewing. It’s time for you to ask your partner to share in your life and what matters to you. A favorite movie, activity, or interest of yours should also be part of your relationship. If they don’t agree to things that make you happy, it’s time to have a serious discussion.

This would only lead to more problems.

When we don’t share in each other’s interests, our relationship can become filled with resentment and game playing. So I’m not recommending that if your partner doesn’t want to do things that you like you should then refuse to do what they like. That would only lead to more problems. I am, however, suggesting that you open the doors of discussion for a happier relationship.

So remember the Star Trek theory of relationships. Ask yourself if and why you want to say yes or no, and respond versus react to your partner. Get conscious and open about your own needs and wants. Then go and enjoy that movie that you aren’t very excited about. You may just actually like it. Your partner definitely will!

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC