Stabbing Each Other in the Vulnerabilities

When working with a married couple recently, we discussed the concept of how couples can be really good at emotionally poking each other where it hurts the most. It got me to thinking that it doesn’t make sense we do this to the one we supposedly love the most, yet I see it happening almost daily. Frequently in my own home! I labeled this miserable occurrence as “stabbing each other in the vulnerabilities” because it hurts as much as a stab wound. Though admittedly and gladly, I’ve never actually been physically stabbed.

What gives? Why do we do this? How can we retract our knives and instead, send some love to each other’s vulnerabilities? Some of the problems seem to come from a lack of awareness that we are actually stabbing each other in the vulnerabilities. Maybe we wouldn’t be hurt by what we are saying to our partner, but they are. Then we get defensive because it makes no sense to us, but our partner is feeling wounded. 

The other, and decidedly nastier approach, is that we intentionally stab our partner in the vulnerabilities. I’m guessing that we do this as a form of revenge when our own feelings are hurt. Either way, this is not a pleasant place to live, nor good for the long-term health of the relationship and its members. Let’s look at some ways that we can stop the stabbing and start the loving!

Learning to respect our partner's vulnerabilities, instead of stabbing at them, is a key part of building a loving relationship. #relationships #love #communication Click To Tweet

First, we want to become aware of what our partner’s (and our own) vulnerabilities really are so that we can choose to stop stabbing them there. How can we do this? Asking our partner might be a really good start, but also observing what areas are triggers for them and then talking to them about why they are triggers is a good idea. Once we are aware of our own and our partner’s vulnerabilities, then we can ask for what we want around those hot spots.

Next, we would want to ask our partner to stop stabbing and start sending kindness to those areas in which we are most vulnerable. Maybe we are really sensitive around money issues, so we could ask our partner to listen to why money is a hot topic and how they can support us moving forward. Listening carefully, and without judgment, to your partner around their areas of concern and vulnerability will bring the two of you closer and give you tips and tools on how to love each other more intimately.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC