I’m in a few parent groups on Facebook. I generally find them supportive and filled with lots of good suggestions and recommendations. However, I periodically find the groups frustrating based on many of the group members’ need or desire to push away the feelings of others. Why are so many of us uncomfortable with letting people feel what they feel?

A mother in one of the groups was discussing how much she missed her daughter who was traveling abroad. Another mother responded, “Why would you be sad? You should be excited for her and proud that she’s on this trip.” There’s no doubt that the feelings of pride and excitement for our child would be great as well, but why aren’t we entitled to feel sad sometimes? Why isn’t it possible to feel both sad and proud? Why do some people need to diminish the feelings of others?

The answer, I think, lies in our desire to “make” other people feel better. We are uncomfortable with sadness or negative feelings. That’s understandable, but it’s not very helpful. We all experience a variety of emotions. No emotion is good or bad, but rather part of the human experience. Parenthood has been both the most joyful and the most frustrating journey of my life. Both feelings occurred frequently and sometimes almost simultaneously. 

Responding to Others with Empath

The problem with trying to talk someone out of their feelings is that it actually leads to the person feeling worse and not validated. All of us are looking for understanding, compassion, and validation. That doesn’t mean that our friends can’t periodically give us a good ole kick in the pants, but sometimes we need both compassion and a kick. 

Fully hearing someone out doesn’t mean we have to agree with them or even expect that we would have the same response. It just means we care enough to be present for the other person through any emotion they might be experiencing. That is what support and compassion look like. It benefits all of us when we are able to both give and receive each of these. Next time you hear someone expressing feelings, practice just listening to them without trying to talk them out of their emotions. Watch how much calmer and relaxed they become when they are given the space to both experience and express their feelings. 

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC