One of the most common topics I discuss with clients is around showing up authentically, utilizing their voice, and saying what’s really on their mind versus what they think others want to hear. How many of us are people-pleasers and instead of saying what we want, we say what we think the other person wants to hear. Even the most confident people can struggle with this. I hear senior executives say, “Well, I don’t want to hurt their feelings.” Or, “That just felt really uncomfortable, so I decided not to say it.”
Not only are we doing the other person a disservice by not being honest with them, we are also really hurting ourselves in that we aren’t showing up authentically. Over time, it’s hard to keep that inauthentic face on and then people can start to see through it. If you show up as your true self right from the start, maybe you won’t be liked by everyone, but at least you won’t be pretending you are something you’re not.
If we show up in a way that is focused on making others like us, they may like us, but at some point we are going to have to take that inauthentic mask off and then maybe they won’t like us anyway. The struggle for many of us is figuring out who we really are. Who is our authentic self and how do we bring that version of ourselves out more frequently? Those aren’t easy questions to answer.
Getting to Know Yourself
Maybe you’ve spent most of your life trying to be something that you thought others wanted. Maybe you never learned to listen to your own voice and to show up as exactly who you are and exactly who you are comfortable being. Figuring out who you really are means checking in with yourself throughout the day and asking yourself what you want, what matters to you in this moment, and how you want to respond (versus react) to your world. Check in for that feeling of disconnect between what you are doing and saying and how connected you feel to that.
Figuring out who you really are means asking yourself what you want, what matters to you in this moment, and how you want to respond (versus react) to your world. #authenticity #honesty #peoplepleasing #rejection Click To TweetOne of my clients recently asked me what I thought she should do about a complicated situation in her organization. I asked her why she wanted me to make that decision for her. After thinking about it for a while she said, “Because I’m afraid of owning what I really want. I could get rejected. It might feel uncomfortable and I’ll have to show up as who I truly am.” Once she owned that, we talked about how she would feel if she didn’t show up authentically and if she didn’t own what she wanted to say in that situation. My client quickly realized that although the situation could be challenging, by showing up exactly as herself, the rest would fall into place.
“It is better to follow the voice inside and be at war with the world, than to follow the ways of the world and be at war with your deepest self.”
~ Michael Pastore ~
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC