Recently, one of my clients told me that he thinks he’d rather be dead, than ashamed or embarrassed. Sadly, I don’t think he’s alone. How many of us fear social humiliation more than almost anything? How many of us would rather not take a risk than risk humiliating ourselves or have others see us in all of our flaws and imperfections? Brené Brown has done some brilliant research on shame and the fear of shame that so many of us experience in life. If you haven’t read any of her books or listened to her podcasts, I would highly recommend her work.
Now, let’s go back to my client who would choose death over shame. I’m not sure he would actually choose death over shame, but he did really emphasize how powerful shame is to him in his daily life. It keeps him from taking risks and putting his true self out into the world. Fear of shame and humiliation are powerful motivators and ultimately, if we don’t find a way to overcome them, they will keep us small, fearful, and prevent us from fully enjoying our lives.
Conquering Our Fear of Shame
So how do we overcome such a powerful influence in our lives? Well, the short answer is, “Walk through that shame.” Of course, that sounds far easier than it really is. We typically develop shame as young children, so it is pretty engrained in our psyche. Thus, it is often a very unconscious reaction to most of what we face each day. Walking through the shame ultimately requires us to get fully conscious about the shame, where it came from, and how it’s stopping us from living full and inspired lives.
Start by asking yourself what you are not doing in life that you truly want to do. Maybe it’s a hobby or a career change. Maybe it’s going back to school, or asking for a raise or promotion. Maybe it’s asking for something in your relationships. Whatever it is, ask yourself WHY you are not doing it. Your first why responses will be excuses such as, “I don’t have the time” or “I can’t afford it.” Roll right on past those excuses, because those are not the real reason you aren’t doing something. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that can happen if I do this?” Most likely your answer to that will be related to shame or embarrassment.
The first step to conquering your fear of shame is to ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that can happen if I do this?" #shame #fear #risk Click To Tweet“If I go back to school and don’t do well, I will have made a fool of myself.” “If I promote my business and no one comes, I’ll be so embarrassed.” “If I ask for what I want from my partner and they reject me, I’ll feel horribly humiliated.” Therein lie your biggest fears. Now ask yourself if you can survive that shame or embarrassment. Your answer will be a big, fat YES! Of course you can survive shame and embarrassment. You’ve survived worse in your life and you can survive this. You might even want to choose not to feel shame if you are rejected, but rather to feel disappointed and get your butt back up and try again.
That’s my advice…walk through that shame! Do it now. Do it today. Take a risk. Shame won’t kill you, but living a small fearful life will kill you slowly but surely. Choose a life filled with embarrassing moments and laugh your way through it. If others judge you, that’s on them. Their opinion of you is their issue, not yours. What can you do today to take on some shame and humiliation?
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC