What do you think my clients most frequently tell me they want from loved ones? It’s to be seen and heard. They want to be understood, listened to, loved, and accepted. Why do so many of us feel as if we are not seen and heard? One reason is because the world is filled with pretty dreadful listeners. People who are well intentioned, yet they are self centered and focused on their own agenda.
The other reason is that often we put people in our lives that duplicate what we are used to, even if we don’t like it. So if you had parents who didn’t really see and hear you, then you were used to that type of behavior and maybe attracted people who are similar. It’s relatively common to do, but it’s also relatively unenjoyable. Clients are always surprised when they realize they are stuck in a pattern of finding people who can’t really see them and hear them.
So what are we to do to break out of this miserable pattern? First, we need to see and hear ourselves. We need to have insight into who we are, what we want, and the people we want in our lives. Then we have to look in new places for “see-ers” and “hear-ers”. (I think I made those words up.) If you’ve met all of the same type of people in the same places, maybe it’s time to go somewhere else. Not everyone in our lives will be able to see and hear us in a healthy way. But if we find one or two people who are able to do that, life will be so much better.
Here’s another way to find “see-ers” and “hear-ers”; become that way yourself. Start to really listen to people. Be observant about who they are and what they are trying to share with the world. Validate those experiences for them and watch how profound it is when we do this for another. Soon enough, they will either be paying you back or you will start to attract other people who really want to get to know you.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC