How many of you would say that you’ve held on to resentment in your life? Maybe for a year, maybe for a decade, maybe for more? My hand is raised. I find it hard to let go of resentment. I talk a good game of not holding grudges, moving on, not taking things personally and yet, I’m a resentment holder! I’m certainly not proud of this and yet I’m also wanting to release said resentment and help you all do the same.
Holding on to resentment only hurts you. Which, let’s be honest, really sucks. I wish that my resentment would hurt the people that I’m resenting. I kind of don’t wish that, but I kind of do if I’m being fully honest. Resentment is draining and miserable and on the other hand, it can feel good because it’s blaming someone else for your own misery. Relationships can’t move forward if one person is holding on to resentment. Individual happiness and satisfaction can’t be found when one carries resentment.
3 Steps to Releasing Resentment
So, how do we release it in a way that is legal and does not make us completely passive suckers?
First, flat out own and accept that you are resentful. Yep, pretending you aren’t or that you haven’t been isn’t going to make it true. Own it. You’re resentful. Welcome to being a human. Don’t judge yourself for it and also don’t make excuses for it. Just own it. I’m resentful. It’s a fact. Own it with curiosity rather than judgment.
Second, ask yourself, “Why am I resentful?” Don’t ask, “Why does the other person make me feel resentful?” Rather, ask why you feel that way. No one made you feel this way. You chose it. Maybe rightly so, but you still chose it. Why are you resentful? Does life seem unfair? Did that other person take you for granted, take advantage of you, treat you cruelly? Those are all understandable reasons to be resentful. Again, own your feelings.
Third, and this is the really hard part, ask yourself what you need in order to not be resentful. Do you need attention, space, a divorce, a voice, equality? What do you need or want to feel whole and complete? The person you are resentful of can’t give that to you. Only you can give that to yourself. I’m resentful for not living in an equitable world and although it’s a fact that this world isn’t equitable, I get to choose how I respond to that. I can either see myself as a victim or I can get up and go after what I want while also asking others to share in my quest for equity.
Resentment doesn’t have to be your life’s misery. Own it, accept it, and release it. #resentment #anger #forgiveness #healing Click To TweetOwn the release of your own resentment. Don’t own changing other people. You can’t, and you’ll make yourself feel worse. You can choose to release resentment, even when things don’t seem fair. Don’t do it until you are ready and if you aren’t ready for years, that’s totally up to you. Resentment doesn’t have to be your life’s misery. Own it, accept it, and release it. Let’s do it together. Let me know how it’s going for you.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC