The Relationship Litmus Test

I spend a great deal of time talking to friends and clients about their relationships. Sometimes it’s love, work, or family relationships, but often the discussion revolves around my client’s unhappiness with the relationship. They tell me that they tolerate cruel words, being ignored, mind games, and other miserable behavior. As they tell me these stories, they tell me how stuck they feel within these relationships.

“Because I’m not strong enough to stop it.”

One of the questions I like to ask them is, “How would you feel if someone you loved was tolerating what you are in a relationship?” They always say the same thing, “Oh that would never happen to her because she wouldn’t let it.” And then I ask, “Why is it okay for you to accept it?” They look at me and often say, “Because I’m not strong enough to stop it.” That answer is not true, but it feels true to them in the moment.

I ask the first question as a relationship litmus test. If someone you love shouldn’t be treated this way, then why should you? We then work on getting the confidence and belief in themselves to ask for what they want in a relationship. We talk about saying, “Here’s what I need in this relationship. If you can’t do it, that’s okay, but then this relationship will have to end.”

The litmus test is a good way for my clients to step out of their own situation and look at it from the angle of someone they love. The test always asks why you would deserve less than someone you love. Would you want your daughter to be treated poorly? Your mother? Your best friend? If not, then you shouldn’t be treated that way either. Accepting crumbs of love or cruel behavior only leads to more insecurity and more unhappiness.

The litmus test also works the other way around. Are you treating someone in a way that you wouldn’t want someone you love to be treated? If so, it’s time to make some changes. Relationships are hard and we are responsible for how we treat others and what we tolerate from others. Asking for what we want, not staying in toxic or abusive relationships, and being a kind and respectable partner are crucial for healthy relationships and our own happiness.

You will never regret building or finding a relationship that is worthy of you.

Take the litmus test today. Ask yourself, “Would it be okay for someone I love to be in a relationship like the one I am in?” If the answer, is no, then it’s time to make some changes. It’s hard to do, but you will never regret building or finding a relationship that is worthy of you and the life you want to have.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC