First, the book recommendation…Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, by Kim Scott. This is an excellent book for work bosses and at-home bosses. Since we are all at least the boss of ourselves, (Or at least that’s the version I yelled to others in grade school, “You aren’t the boss of me.”) this book lays out a path to having conversations with assertiveness and kindness with the goal of developing and maintaining good working relationships in all aspects of our lives.
Second, the behaviors the author recommends and the behaviors that she doesn’t are brilliant and fly in the face of how most of us speak to those we work and live with. Scott, the author, recommends recognizing when you fall out of radical candor in your conversations and instead end up in one of the three other areas that she suggests derail healthy and productive communication.
Three Behaviors that Prevent Radical Candor
The first area that she finds detrimental to relationships is ruinous empathy. This cleverly named area is when we care personally, but we don’t challenge directly. I often see parents caught in this communication style in which they empathize, or sympathize, endlessly with their child but they don’t set firm limits with that empathy. Ultimately, it is ruinous because children (and the rest of us) need set limits along with all of that lovely empathy.
The second area that Scott suggests as a problematic one is when we communicate manipulative insincerity. Psychologists label this as passive aggressive behavior. We all know that person who pretends they are sincere, yet are ultimately trying to manipulate either the person, the situation or both. We walk away from these people feeling drained and yucky. People operating in this space don’t care personally and won’t challenge directly.
The third area of behaviors that Scott recommends we avoid is obnoxious aggression. One need not look too far to find daily evidence of this behavior. This seems to be a popular mode of communication these days in the form of anti-political correctness. However, I’d suggest that obnoxious aggression is an apt label for rude and unkind behavior.
Radical candor allows for honest and patient conversation, something lacking in our culture today. #candor #leadership Click To TweetUltimately, Scott suggests that we all adopt radical candor that combines direct challenge with caring personally. It’s wise advice and advice that it seems many of us could use to both provide feedback and have tough conversations, yet still remain connected and respectful to those we speak to. Our world is highly divided right now and it appears that patient conversation is rare. However, if we are to ultimately work and live well together, radical candor will be the way to get there. I highly recommend the book and the behavior.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC