After a discussion with a friend the other day, I had a huge parenting epiphany. My friend has young children and she was talking about helping her young children to move through the world. Sometimes this means helping them fix situations or helping them to learn life lessons. Yet what I realized is that there comes a point in parenting in which we can’t fix things for our kids. We might try, but ultimately, they are adults and only they can fix or change their situation.

When parents can’t fix or change things for their children, it is officially time to become partners or even peers with your children. It’s time to let go and walk beside them, versus in front of them or even behind them. It means truly having faith in them to solve their own problems and come up with their own solutions. I’m pretty sure that this may be one of the hardest stages of parenting!

I’d still really like to fix things for my kids. I’d love to tell them what to do and have them believe that I’m all-knowing and that they should do what I tell them. And yet, this won’t work for them or for me. They are responsible for their own lives and I’m here to hold space for them to make their own discoveries. If we are lucky, our kids will still come to us to share some of their life experiences. Not to fix anything, but rather to truly listen and hear them.

Learning When to Let Go

When does this switch take place? Probably earlier than I actually started doing it, but probably when I couldn’t swoop in and make things all better. When my kids were babies, I could fix a hungry stomach or a tired toddler. Later on, I could help them fix homework or even talk them through friendship issues. I could pay for dance classes or tennis lessons and maybe even connect with other families to solve school or community issues. At some point, I couldn’t do those things, and truth be told, I really shouldn’t have been doing them.

The greatest lesson I have learned as a parent is that my kids’ journeys are their own and I’m simply a truly loving observer. I now am a loving peer. An unconditionally loving peer, but a peer all the same. I can’t kiss a skinned knee or cuddle in bed and read a book until they fall asleep. I probably would if I could, but I’m pretty sure they’d kill me if I even brought it up.

Parenting adult children requires learning that our kids’ journeys are their own and we are simply loving, supporting observers. #parenting #emptynest Click To Tweet

As I’ve slowly recognized over the years, parenting is all about letting go, slowly but surely. It’s about becoming friends with your adult children, partnering with them in some aspects and sitting back in others. It’s all part of the parenting journey. It’s often not easy to accept because I still want to fix things for them. Let’s hope that I raised them to solve their own problems and to know that I’m here if they ever need me.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC