My Worth in the Eyes of Others

After being married for twenty-eight years this month, I had a rather delayed epiphany about myself, my husband, and relationships in general. My husband had recently commented on the fact that I don’t seem to get mad at him as easily as I used to. (Let’s not even dig into that whole mess right now.) At about the same time, I had written a blog post about insecurity and yoga poses (flying frog) and an acquaintance from college commented on my post. He challenged my assessment of my own insecurity, pointing out that I had appeared pretty confident in college.

In college, I was either truly confident or had faked my way to it. Honestly, I can’t remember, but I think beer might have played a partial role in my confidence. (Another area that doesn’t need digging in this moment.) Anyway, this college friend’s comment stuck with me, as did my husband’s. What happened to that confident young woman and why am I not mad at my husband anymore? These earth shattering questions needed to be answered and the “#metoo movement” lent some light into the whole matter.

I do remember feeling confident and good about myself until I graduated college and entered the work force. Instantly, I was a second-class citizen. Men were promoted before me, were paid more, and generally treated more as equals than I was. Sexual harassment was rampant then (Not that it’s changed all that much.) and I was often praised more for appearance rather than aptitude. When I got married, the expectations of my culture in general were that my husband’s career was more important than mine, as was his last name, and the expectation that I put my family before all else was not optional. At least that’s how I saw it from my vantage point.

Shocking that I was both angry and insecure, right? Thus began my search for worth and I sought it in the eyes of others. I looked for my husband to fully see me and love me unconditionally. When he didn’t do so, as any spouse wouldn’t, I felt insecure and ultimately angry at him. I looked outside of myself for the world to see my worth, and again only disappointment awaited me. Some of what was outside of me was truly a view of women as inferior, yet some of it was what I was telling myself. Sexism is alive and well, yet I am ultimately responsible for how I see myself.

Finding Happiness, Success, and Fulfillment Despite Our Sexist Culture

Over the past ten years, I’ve worked on looking inside of myself. I want to find my own confidence and not wait for it from others. I’m taking control of my own happiness, health, well-being, and career. I no longer need approval from my husband or the world. When my husband looks at me with love, I can accept it as one would from their life partner, but not need it to survive. As my own confidence grows, I need less and less external proof of my own worth.

The “#metoo movement” gave me another boost in confidence. I was able to look back at the days of being harassed and realize how damaging those times were to me and to so many other women. I’m not sure if forgiveness is what I feel, but less attachment to the anger that I’ve felt and more attachment to the power of not allowing that behavior toward me or any other women. Our worth is ours to own and as we say “#timesup,” we’re not kidding. Women won’t go back again and neither will I.

How does that tie into relationships? Well, it’s better for my marriage in that my husband doesn’t have to be responsible for my happiness, nor me for his. We don’t need to look to each other for approval, but rather for true partnership, support, and honesty. Also, as women take the equality in all areas of life, they will also have better, healthier, and stronger relationships, both personally and professionally. Self worth is priceless and can only make all of us better.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC