A few weeks ago, my oldest son got engaged. We love the wonderful young woman he is marrying and were thrilled to announce their engagement to the world. Or at least to our friends on social media. Hundreds of well-wishers commented on our picture of the newly engaged couple and love was certainly in the air.
Yet I know that many who commented have been through rough divorces or break ups. Many have had difficult times in their marriage, as have I, and know that marriage is certainly not all sunshine and roses. So why so much love and excitement for a young couple? You’d think more people would be saying, “Don’t do it. It’s hard work. It doesn’t always work out for people.” There was not one negative or cynical comment either publicly on social media or a private comment to me or my son and his fiancé.
What gives? Why are we all so optimistic for these young love birds? Do we think they’ll do it better than the more than half of us who get divorced? Or do we all really believe in love, in a partner for our life, in hope for love and commitment? I tend to think it’s the latter. So many of us want to find love and the hope that comes with loving someone. Yet, the Hollywood version of happily ever after certainly rarely helps any of us find realistic love.
Relationships aren't built on big gestures, but rather small, intimate moments of hope and love. #marriage #relationships #love #divorce Click To TweetMaybe it is hope that brings us back to love again and again. However, we might want to look for love as a challenging opportunity versus a blissful escape. New love can be blissful, but true, deep love is far more challenging and presents the opportunity to learn and grow within that relationship. Love is a way to look at ourselves and our partners and to grow within that relationship, yet it’s just as easy to grow apart based on what we see of ourselves and each other.
I’m not sure if my son will ask for advice on his pending nuptials, but if he does I’ll tell him to hold on for the adventure and challenge of a lifetime, similar to having children. I’ll tell him to look for the good in his wife even when she’s showing him another side. I’ll tell him to stay hopeful about love, but also be realistic. The best moments in a relationship are not necessarily the big gestures, but rather the small, intimate moments of hope and love. Here’s to many of those for my boy and for the rest of us.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC
It’s interesting that you used the reference to Hollywood. I lived in a Hollywood marriage. My ex-husband was/is a producer/Director now Senior Executive for a major studio.
He was away for months at time every year, on location. His expectations of a wife were about perfection and so very unrealistic and mostly hidden – he NEVER shared his feelings and in fact I often wondered if he ever had any. But although unspoken, he could not keep his contempt and distain for me from leaking out of his pores. Why did I stay for 24 years? Great question. I had in fact filed for divorce twice, but the third time was the charm. In my heart I was miserable, but my head told me I wouldn’t survive without him. The pain of change was never greater than the pain of staying the same. He finally let me off the hook, and I was instantly replaced so quickly it took my breath away.
He did me the biggest favor of my life! And I am grateful.
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Thank you for sharing your story. It’s very powerful!