Last week, my 21-year-old daughter told me that there was something different about her in comparison to all of her other friends and that difference was my fault. She said, “How could you not have taught me about Spanx?” She proceeded to suggest she had just learned that there was a product that could make you look good in anything you wear. Also, this product holds in one’s fat and rolls. “Why did you withhold Spanx from me?” my poor, deprived daughter asked.

My answer was, “Because Spanx hurt so much! They smoosh your organs together and you can’t breathe. Why would I want my daughter to do that to herself?” “So you pick comfort over beauty?” she asked. If you know me, you know I will always choose comfort over beauty. No Botox or plastic surgery for me. No Spanx or freezing fat off with ice packs. I’m morally opposed to nylons, particularly the control top variety. And a few years ago I also gave up high heels in the belief that they were invented by the patriarchy to hold us back and also because men can easily outrun us in wing tip shoes versus dreadful stilettos.

When purchasing a bra recently (Is this too personal?), I told the sales woman that one of the bras I had tried on looked great, but was really uncomfortable. She looked at me as if I was an alien and said, “Of course it did. Beauty hurts.” And there you have it. The belief of so many women that in order to be beautiful, we must tolerate pain and discomfort. How come men don’t have to suffer similarly and yet we still find them attractive? Men aren’t wearing binding clothes to hold in their fat. They let it hang out and we say, “Oh, that dad bod is so cute.” 

Why aren’t women in all shapes and sizes beautiful and comfortable just as they are? Why are we only attractive with all fat squeezed in and painful high heels on our feet? Why must we be miserably uncomfortable to be visually pleasing to others? What if we changed our definition of beauty and just wore decent clothes that fit us comfortably, thus not having to give up a kidney to look good? What if we moved into this century and stopped ruining our feet and backs with high heels? What if we made comfortable clothes and shoes our new definition of beauty? If men don’t like it, they can move on!

Why must my daughter think that binding herself is a good option for a life well lived? Why are we spending millions of dollars on miserably uncomfortable fashion that will be out of style in a few weeks anyway? I’m not recommending sweat pants and t-shirts for every event, but I’m definitely suggesting that beauty need not be painful. It’s hard to work when we are in pain, it’s hard to have fun when we are in pain, and it’s damn hard to walk in high heels! 

Let’s talk about other things besides our appearance. Let’s change the world and feel comfortable when we do so. It’s well past time. 

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC