A friend of mine, who is relatively new to the dating scene, told me about a date she recently had. She said her date was very interesting and intelligent, but did not ask her one question about herself. Not one. Needless to say, my friend didn’t go on a second date with him. I heard a similar story from another friend about her mother-in-law and yet another story about a friend. So what gives?
Why is it so much easier to be interesting than interested? Obviously, most of us prefer to talk about ourselves. Not because we are necessarily raging narcissists, but rather that it’s easier and more comfortable to do so. Ultimately though, do we want to be in relationships in which we only talk about ourselves and never ask the other person about themselves? Is that actually a relationship?
What most of us want from our relationships is to be seen, heard, and accepted for who we are and what we bring to the relationship. By only focusing on ourselves we are not giving the other person what they want and probably won’t get it back ourselves. Our tendency is to try to get our needs met by focusing on ourselves, yet that is probably the worst way to actually be heard. When someone talks endlessly about themselves, most of us start to tune them out. We either limit our time with that person or leave the relationship.
We all want to be seen, heard, and accepted for who we are, and that means we must show others in our lives the same interest and acceptance. #relationships #listening #communication Click To TweetLearning How to Listen
By forming a reciprocal relationship in which we are seen and heard and we also see and hear the other person, everyone’s needs are met. Both parties give to the relationship and that relationship is likely to stand the test of time. It’s a win all the way around. People tell me frequently that they don’t know how to be interested and they are worried they won’t ask the right questions. It’s a reasonable concern, yet experience tells me most of us are grateful when someone shows any type of interest in us.
Being interested means being curious about the other person. What are their thoughts on different topics? What motivates them? What scares them? What are their favorite foods, books, and movies? Do they have loved ones in their lives? Pets? What’s their favorite song or podcast? There are so many things to learn about others and when we do so we enrich both of our lives. I’ve heard some of the most fascinating stories from Uber drivers all the way to my coaching clients. Everyone has a story and it’s well worth our time to be interested in those stories. Build your interested muscle this month. Make it a goal to learn a few interesting tidbits about everyone you meet. I’m not suggesting the Spanish Inquisition, but rather some minor details on what makes people tick. If you meet someone who is interesting but not interested, you could offer up some information about yourself or you could move on. Either seems appropriate!
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC