A few weeks ago, my fabulous sister-in-law (SIL) was in town and we were out to dinner with family. Mistakenly, politics was brought up and as expected, things didn’t go so well. My SIL and I are very aligned politically, but not everyone in the family feels the same. As things started to really heat up, my SIL says, “I just want everyone to think and feel the way I do!” Not surprisingly, that got us all to laugh and she managed to turn a tense situation into a really funny one. Yet, I fully agree with her! Why can’t everyone think and feel the way I do?

Wouldn’t life be easier that way? Wouldn’t we be a more unified country? Wouldn’t we
be less stressed around family and friends who think differently from us? Of course the
answer is no. Life would be boring and we’d probably get nothing much accomplished if we all thought and felt exactly the same way. Our brains are meant to respond to our own personal experiences and each of us perceives those experiences differently. We could all watch the same tv show and all walk away with different interpretations. That is actually really fun and interesting.

When I think about it, I don’t want everyone to think and feel the way I do. What I really want is for people to hear what I think and feel. I want them to truly listen to me and to each other versus yelling into a void of other voices, none of which are listening to each other. Our country is so divided and we only get more so as we listen to and think about each other less and less. It’s painful and it divides families, friends, and communities. As a country, and as a society, we need to learn how to listen even when and if we disagree. We aren’t respecting each other when we refuse to be present for each other’s thoughts and feelings.

Count me guilty on this as well. Sometimes I find what people are saying to be so reprehensible, so lacking in critical and nuanced thinking that I just want to walk away. And sometimes I do. I’m working hard not to do that with family and friends, and yet it’s really a challenge sometimes. How do we stay present with those we love even when they don’t think and feel the way we do, especially around major life issues? I certainly don’t have all the answers, and yet I know that people think and feel the way they do based on their perspective and their life experiences. So even if I think they are wrong, if I try, I can appreciate that what they believe comes from their own life.

What if we could really listen and actually not have to disagree or agree? What if we could just listen with compassion and without judgment? Recently, we needed to add an electric dog fence to our yard for our new puppy, Ralph. There is only one company in our town that does electric fences and they live nearby. Everyone knows who they are because they fly numerous political flags at the edge of their property and on the
main street of our town. Let’s just nicely say that those flags represent the exact opposite political and moral point of view than mine.

I dreaded the day when the owner was going to come over and train me and Ralph and me on the electric fence. I kept preparing myself to ignore any political comments and to just move the training along and send the owner on his way. Well, the owner turned out to be an older gentleman who was quite patient with both Ralph and me. When we finished the training. I offered him a glass of water and he sat down in my kitchen to write out the invoice for services. He started to tell me about his wife and how challenging it was for him to watch her struggle with dementia and aging. Suddenly, all political thoughts left my mind and I just sat and listened to another human who was in pain and managing lots of emotions.

It was the reminder I needed that even though he and I will likely cancel out each other’s votes come November, we can still be present for each other, still be kind, and still know that we are all just humans trying to find our way in the world. The electric fence owner thanked me for the water and for listening to him talk about his wife. He charmed me by telling me how great Ralph was and my political judgy self just had to find some gratitude for another person, even one who doesn’t think or feel the way I do.

Love,

Certified Professional Coach and Psychologist

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How often have you wished for that person in your life who listens deeply, doesn’t judge you, and doesn’t try to fix you? That person who holds space for you to talk through your struggles, your hopes, and dreams so that you can live the personal and professional life that you truly want? I’m that person. Yes, I’m a psychologist and a professional life and leadership coach but my superpower is listening, deep, empathic, compassionate listening. If you’ve been seeking a professional listener who will help you live the life you truly desire, let’s set up a time to talk. My email is Lisa@LisaKaplin.com.