How Do You Define Respect?

As part of my coaching and leadership business, I spend time coaching people around personal and professional relationships. Over the last few weeks, I’ve noticed that the word “respect” comes up quite a bit when talking to love couples, as well as business teams and groups. What I’ve found is that many of us define that word very differently and thus display it differently.

Some people think that respect is a type of deference to the other person. That’s a reasonable definition, but if it’s not believed mutually someone is bound to feel disrespected. Others believe that respect is the golden rule, “Do unto others as you would have others do to you.” Again, this is a reasonable definition, but it doesn’t take into account that we don’t all want the same thing or to be treated the same way.

After asking many people what respect looks like to them, a common formula came up that was different than the above-mentioned definitions. The formula is, “Respect = appreciation + gratitude.” Through my questions, I found that underlying all requests for respect was the desire for other people to show appreciation and gratitude for the role the person plays in their lives.

A frustrated business team told me that a raise would be nice, but words of appreciation would be even more valuable. They claimed that their managers only reached out to them to give them negative feedback, versus appreciation for all of their hard work and numerous successes. A bickering couple kept using the respect word until the husband said, “To me, respect means that she’s grateful to have me as her husband, flaws and all.”

Don’t we all want to be appreciated by those we work and live with? Doesn’t verbal acknowledgment in the form of appreciation feel really good? How wonderful is it to know that those around you are grateful to have you in their lives? Isn’t respect ultimately the combination of those two things and we show it by saying so? Why do so many of us avoid doing so both personally and professionally? Maybe it’s just easier to point out the negative, but it certainly doesn’t do much for the relationship when we do so.

What are some things you can say or do that will show both appreciation and gratitude to those around you? How can you ask for respect from others in a way that honors both of these feelings and behaviors? Set a goal to tell someone how much you appreciate him or her every day. Tell them that you are grateful to them as well. See what happens to your mutual respect when you do so.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC