Helping Those You Love Find Joy and Happiness

A common theme I often hear from couples is, “I can’t make my spouse happy.” Or “I want to make them happy.” I hear parents say similar words about their children. “I want to make sure that I give them a happy life.” These are lovely sentiments, but ultimately not very realistic. We are not responsible for other people’s happiness, nor do we have control over what they consider to be happy or not. Maybe we are trying to control something that we actually can’t control. 

When working with a married couple recently, we decided to try something different. I asked each of them to ask the other one how they could contribute to that person’s joy and happiness, but not be responsible for it. Interestingly enough, it was a challenging assignment. They both agreed that they knew what didn’t contribute to the other’s happiness, but less on what did. I had them each spend time thinking about what they wanted from the other and not what they didn’t want. 

It led me to think about how we often talk to those we love. We tell them what we don’t want them to do, but are we telling them how they can support us in our journey to find happiness and joy? Do you know what makes you happiest and most joyful? Do you know how to ask others to support you in that? Many of us will say that we want our partners to make us happy, yet ultimately we are in charge of our own happiness.

We tell our loved ones what we don’t want them to do, but are we telling them how they can support us in our journey to find happiness and joy? #relationships #happiness #joy Click To Tweet

Asking others to be part of that journey is a fun one. “Join me for a book club.” “Come out and celebrate with me.” “I love when you send me love texts during the day.” “It means the world to me when you are at the store and you pick up my favorite iced tea.” Sharing with others what brings you joy and happiness allows them to contribute, but you still have full ownership of how you feel and how you experience life.

So make a list of what contributes to your own joy and happiness. Figure out what you can contribute to that list and how you might want others to participate. Then go and ask them and have them ask you the same question. How wonderful would this world be if we let go of being responsible for the happiness of others and instead worked to contribute to it?

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC