Has grit become the new must-have for our children?

Have you read the book, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth? It is an excellent, well researched and well presented take on the lifelong benefits of possessing grit to accomplish one’s goals and living a happy and fulfilled life. Duckworth gives numerous examples of what grit looks like in daily life and how to develop it from a young age. She gives recommendations for both adults and children on how to develop this powerful skill.

Yet as many of us have noticed with raising children, it seems that grit is being pushed as this generation’s must-have go-to personality trait. Could too much grit be a bad thing? I’d love to see some long-term studies on this issue. Anxiety has risen dramatically in children and young adults. College counseling centers are overflowing. Meet any therapist who works with children and they will tell you that there are more than enough patients.

Anxiety and overwhelm are multi-faceted, as is grit. Yet when we push our children to persevere too frequently and in too many areas, are we overusing the benefits? My youngest son is on the tail end of the college application process. I thought the process was intense 6 ½ years ago when my eldest went through it, but it was ice cream compared to what’s going on now. The competition is more intense, the candidates more qualified, and the kids more stressed and anxious, as are their parents.

Applications must not only include stellar grades and test scores, but also absolute signs of grit in numerous areas. Students must not only be in clubs, but they must lead those clubs. They must show community outreach, as well as academic and physical prowess. Think about that. We are asking our young, developing children to have an outrageous number of achievements prior to their 18th birthday! Is it possible that they run out of grit after all of that? Burnout anyone?

Redefining Grit

When Duckworth researched the concept of grit, I don’t think this is what she had in mind. Perseverance means to continue on even when things get tough. It doesn’t mean to master everything prior to adulthood! Pushing our kids to constantly achieve in all areas of their young lives seems a recipe for disaster. What about childhood? What about persevering in laziness and hanging out with friends? What’s wrong with being bored or lonely and figuring out what to do about that?

What if we are focusing on grit in all the wrong areas of life? What if grit is really learning how to face challenges in life, versus tackling adult contrived hoops to jump through? What if grit is about getting into your last-choice college and persevering into a full-blown career and successful life? What if grit is actually making mistakes and finding ways to overcome the consequences of those mistakes?

When we turn a life quality like grit into a must-have, we diminish its effectiveness and the organic process that comes with learning it on our own. Grit is powerful and so is perseverance. I’ve pushed my own children to utilize both skill sets, yet if we make them another “to do” on our checklist, maybe we are doing both the skill and our children a disservice.

I’d love to hear what you think about this. Should we “train” our kids to have grit or should we let them adopt it through life’s experiences? How can we model grit for our children so that we are walking our talk, versus directing them to do something that we are not?

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC