Last time, we discussed the external pursuit of joy and happiness. This week lets talk about the more important path to happiness and that is our internal process that leads us there. Joy, fulfillment, and happiness can happen despite external situations that are difficult. Can we be happy if we don’t like our job or if we don’t live where we want to or if our car brakes down? Can we find contentment in our lives even if we have had tragedy strike, or difficult childhoods, or a change in life that we didn’t want? The answer is yes and that comes from the internal process of changing our mindset.
Allow the Feelings of Happiness and Fulfillment to be Your Focus
How do we do that? What if we are miserably unhappy because our spouse is leaving us or are children aren’t doing what we want them to do? We actually need to choose to look at these situations from a different angle. We have to ask ourselves what exactly we can control and then choose to let go of the rest. Almost always we have no control over what others do, think, or say, so letting all of that go is the very beginning of finding happiness in our lives. This doesn’t mean that we don’t acknowledge our feelings and allow ourselves to grieve, cry, and get angry if that’s what we need. It does mean that we acknowledge and allow those feelings and then when we are ready we choose to allow the feelings of happiness and fulfillment to be our focus.
Happiness is a Byproduct of Meaning and Purpose
Happiness is a byproduct of finding meaning and purpose in our lives. When we can’t control circumstances, we can control how we perceive them. Looking for meaning can help us come to terms with loss and change and allow us to look for the silver lining in those situations. When we actually seek joy we find it easier than if we look for the bad in all situations. Happiness can come from the smallest changes that we make in our thinking. Our thoughts are what lead to our feelings so if we change our thoughts we will change how we feel.
Look for the Silver Lining of Happiness
Maybe our children are growing up and becoming independent and we are feeling sadness for this change. If we think to ourselves, “I am sad that my children are growing up and that they won’t need me as much.” We will feel sad and disappointed at that change in our life. If, on the other hand we think “Although I am sad that my children will be leaving my home, I am grateful to have had them at all and to have raised them to be independent and self sufficient.” In the second scenario we acknowledge our sadness but we look for the silver lining of happiness in that part of our lives. Our thoughts will lead to happier feelings of contentment and pride.
The Key to the Internal Path to Happiness
The key to the internal path to happiness is to change your brain functioning from old negative messages to new, more positive versions. How do we do this? Practice! Every time you hear yourself think something negative, stop yourself, notice it and think about a new thought that you can replace the old one with. It doesn’t have to be fancy or detailed in fact something along the lines of; “All is well” will work just fine. Keep saying it and thinking it until you have carved a new brain pattern of positivity and your feelings of happiness will follow.
You may also want to read: The Happiness Hunt (part 1): The External Pursuit
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC