A few years ago, I watched Sheryl Sandberg’s Ted Talk in which she discusses why we have so few women in leadership positions. One of her points was that women start to rule themselves out from higher positions because they are worried about how their career and motherhood interact. Yet most of these women, per Sandberg, emotionally leave before they have to leave. They aren’t pregnant, and yet they are already ruling themselves out of certain positions. Sandberg’s line was, “Don’t leave before you leave.”

I find so many similarities from my clients. A client recently said that she would be devastated if she didn’t get a position she was applying for. She had already forecasted not getting the position and being devastated because of it. Others forecast equally miserable futures of sadness, despair, anger, etc. and they forecast this prior to the situation even happening. What’s wrong with being sad before you are sad? Well, it makes you sad! It keeps you from the current moment and it keeps you from possibly feeling other feelings.

Many of us will forecast not liking people before we meet them or having a bad time at a party or get together before the party even starts. We suggest that we won’t get along with someone and in doing so, we actually ensure we won’t get along with that very person. We’ve already decided something without actually having experienced it. Who knows how we might feel when the actual situation arises?

So how do we not leave before we leave or be sad before we are sad? We stay in the moment and we live that moment versus predicting a future that we can’t be sure of. How helpful is it to decide to be sad before something sad even happens? Why not enjoy this moment and deal with those other moments when they come along.

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC