One of my clients recently told me that her value as a person was going to decline if she ended her love relationship. When I looked shocked and said, “How is that possible?” She retorted right back by saying, “How is it possible that I’m still as valuable without him in my life?” We ultimately laughed about how differently we each perceived that moment, and yet her response really stuck with me because how often do we question our value when others end their relationship with us?
So often we define our own self-worth through exterior feedback such as an intimate partner, a performance review at work, the number and quality of our friendships, etc. Yet how many of us really believe the truth, which is that our value remains limitless regardless of these external validations? Whether we are married or single, we are limitless. Whether we have close friends or not, we are limitless. And whether we receive high performance reviews or not, we are limitless. Our worth never changes from the moment of our birth until our death. Unfortunately, our belief of that does.
I’m not suggesting that we don’t want to take a look at how we are showing up at work, or within our personal relationships, because we probably have a good opportunity for some growth in these areas. What I am suggesting is that if you decide that you are less valuable as a person when these relationships stumble, you are destined to find yourself in even more challenging situations and relationships.
The Power of Knowing Your Self-Worth
If I don’t believe I am a person of unlimited value, I might choose relationships that validate my belief, thus reinforcing my perception of my own self-worth. What’s likely to happen after that is what I call a doom loop. If I don’t have confidence in myself, I inadvertently choose people who confirm my own belief system and thus reconfirm it in future relationships. I’m doomed toward lower quality relationships and a continued decrease in my own self-worth!
Believing in your limitless self-worth leads to better relationships, more opportunities, and greater success. #self-worth #self-esteem #relationships #success Click To TweetWhat if I truly believed in my limitless potential and ultimate self-worth? Then I would seek relationships that validate my belief system. I would show up in all relationships and professional settings with confidence and an awareness that I bring my value everywhere I go. This isn’t narcissism or hubris, but rather innate confidence and self-worth. Within those beliefs is plenty of room for self-evaluation, insight, and behavioral changes to reflect new learning and growth. What happens in this case is that the quality of my relationships improves and my self-worth rises, turning the doom loop around.
So how do we do this? We start with the awareness, like my client, that we are rating our own value on the actions and beliefs of others. With that awareness we learn to own the FACT that we are all beings with unlimited potential and we begin to live in that belief system. We aren’t victims to our surroundings or the judgment of others, but rather have choice in who we believe we are. Is this easy to do? Not necessarily, but it’s not as hard as living in that miserable doom loop in which you judge yourself based on the opinions of others.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC