Dear Mean Mama,
Last week I was at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and I accidentally bumped against you while you were looking at lamps. You very nastily snapped at me and muttered some mean words under your breath. I’ve been known to be pretty snappy myself, so I looked forward to giving you my meanest side eye and my snarkiest comment. I whipped around ready to let you have it when I looked into your eyes and saw pure fear and sadness. Then I looked next to you and saw your sweet, soon to be college girl wearing her University of Wisconsin t-shirt, looking stressed and frustrated. It took another second or two for me to realize that the two of you were shopping for her dorm room and it all made perfect sense.
Mama, you are terrified to let your girl go and I get you. You are hoping that you will find the perfect lamp for her dorm room and that will keep her safe and happy. Maybe if you pick out the perfect linens, she will find the perfect roommate and will make fabulous new friends. Maybe if you do absolutely everything right to help her get ready, she will sail through college with good grades, great friends, and the perfect life experience. Maybe your heart won’t be ripped into a million pieces if you could just help her through all of this.
I get it. I’ve been there and I’ll be there again. Mama, I saw the look on your face. The one that says, “I know this is how it’s supposed to be, but I’m going to miss her so much.” It’s how you look at your wonderful girl and remember her sweet baby face and her adorable toddler years and you want them back for just a little while. You see your woman/child and you are terrified to send her off into a big scary world. Only you know how to see the look of pain on your girl. Only you know what to say to calm her down or to drive her crazy. Only you can make her favorite dinner and pick out just the right dress for her next dance. How can she possibly be leaving you to do all of those things on her own?
Mama, she’s going to be okay and she’s going to be that way because you’ve loved her right up to this very moment. You’ve listened, loved, yelled, cried, and almost given up, but you helped her to get to this very place. She is off to a wonderful college and you helped give her the confidence to work hard to get into that college. You’ve done your job, mama. Yes, help her with that lamp and those linens, but then know that most of the rest will be up to her and she’s ready. I saw your girl and I know she’s ready.
So you ended up not getting my snarky comment or my evil side eye. Instead, I put a little smile on, apologized for the bump and gave you a quick tip on which lamp is best. Maybe you missed it, Mama, but there was a huge lump in my throat as I touched your arm in apology. Maybe you didn’t see the tears in my eyes as I quickly exited the store as I felt a flood of emotions. You didn’t see me looking at your girl thinking that she looked just like my sweet girl. You certainly didn’t see the tears that I shed in my car driving home to my girl and knowing that I will be just where you are a year from now.
Hang in there, Mama. It’s going to get better. By the way, you might want to avoid Bed, Bath, and Beyond next year at this time. I’m pretty sure that another mean mama will be taking your place.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC
Lisa –
LOVED this article! It definitely got the tears going! One side note – the Bed Bath and Beyond experience with girls goes on pretty much all four years as they move from dorm to various houses and apartments! Still stressfull – still emotional. Thank you for putting it into words!
Sari, Thanks for the comment. Bed, Bath, and Beyond needs to offer wine when you walk in the door!
Oh boy, Lisa, this brings tears to my eyes. You have such a way with getting right to the emotional core of being a mother. Even though both of my kids have graduated from college, I still vividly remember taking them shopping all the while reliving their childhood and pondering all the decisions and choices I made as a mother. They turned out wonderfully so I must have done something right.
I’m not surprised that they turned out well! Something about shopping for college brings out all of our Mom emotions. Thanks for the comments.
Lisa, what a beautiful article. It speaks to me so strongly right now, since I am still in the first weeks of sending my own wonderful daughter off to college.
You show so much insight in your article, and I love that you gave this mom the benefit of the doubt. It is simple gestures like these that make the world a better place.
Although I might not have been mean because of the stress (well, I might have been- who knows?!) I certainly was on edge and much more emotional in the weeks leading up to K moving out on her own. It was much worse *anticipating* how much I would miss having her in the house every day than it was in reality after the fact. She has adjusted well, and so have I, and it is wonderful to share our lives in a different way now that they have many more points of difference.
Your article hit every point, beautifully. Thanks for sharing it.
Lori, Thank you so much for your kind words. Your girl is going to do just fine! She has a great mom and a really good head on her shoulders. It’s still hard for us moms.
I was the mean mama this fall. I was buying the matress topper I thought I had already bought and my daughter also asked for more throw pillows. It was the evening before we left to move her into the dorms. I was alone and at the check out I couldn’t find my 20% off coupon and lost it on the cashier who refused to help me. I felt like a mole being that person at the register and being so mean. Now reading your article I think was redirecting my frustration of what I didn’t want to happen the next day on the poor cashier. Fast forward 10 weeks as I read your article tears flow down my face. My daughter is thriving loving everyday, making new friends and has had no issues. This weekend I will see her for the first time since I dropped her off in September. I know I did my job but I didn’t know the emptiness I would feel with her gone.
This made me laugh and cry! The 20% coupon made me laugh and your great insights made me cry. Enjoy your girl this weekend. Thanks for your great comments.