Have you ever had someone misinterpret your behavior? Or accuse you of feeling something that you don’t feel? How frustrated were you when that happened? A wise therapist once told me that when someone intentionally misunderstands us, they are “indulging in crazy making behavior”. You might just want to call it gaslighting. When someone else tells you how you feel or tells you that your intentions were something other than what they were, they are not only lacking in empathy, but they also might be trying to make you feel a bit crazy.
I hear about and have lived through this behavior constantly. Many of my clients tell me situations like, “My boss told me that I didn’t care about my job, but nothing could be further from the truth.” Or, “One of my supervisors told me that because I asked for a change in how we do our work, I have a bad attitude. But I ask for the change because I care so deeply about my work.” When people feel misunderstood, they give up, they leave, or they get angry. Who could blame them? It’s so frustrating to be misunderstood, to be labeled, to be judged, and to not be heard.
What can one do about this crazy making behavior? If at all possible, don’t go crazy. If someone intentionally or even unintentionally misunderstands you, you can’t necessarily change their mind. In fact, if you go a bit crazy or if you get defensive, they will use that as evidence that their initial belief about you was correct. A bit passive aggressive on their part? Yes! Also, an opportunity for you to practice remaining calm and owning your own thoughts and feelings regardless of what others believe about you.
I recently listened to an interview with Oprah Winfrey in which she describes being incredibly hurt when she had donated $10 million dollars to a charity that she started for victims of the Maui fires. People accused her of doing so in order to get attention and that $10 million wasn’t enough. Can you imagine starting a charity, donating that much money and then being accused of doing all of it for the wrong reasons? How upsetting. Oprah described feeling so misunderstood and explained how sad and painful that was for her. Understandably! Being misunderstood is painfully upsetting and can often lead us to questioning ourselves.
So, watch out for the crazy makers in your life and start to come up with a strategy to manage yourself around them. How can you not react when they start indulging in crazy making behavior? A few tips that have worked for me is to say, “Hmmm, that’s interesting. What makes you think that of me?” Or, “You could be right, but I’m confident in how I’m thinking and feeling about this situation.” Or, if possible, you could walk away and know that their thoughts and feelings about you are about them and not at all about you.
Do you need help finding your voice, developing confidence and solution-centered plans to unlock the next chapter of your life in fulfilling ways that bring happiness and increased self-esteem (so that you’re not as affected by the crazy making behavior of others?) If so, I can help. Click here to learn more or inquire about my leadership and empowerment individual coaching options.
With love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC