How many of us complain to people who can’t actually help us with our complaints? How often do we complain about our work situation to others, but know they can’t change our situation? Me! I do this. Almost everyone I know does this and yet, I also know that it’s not a good use of my time or energy. Complaining to someone who can’t change things is a lesson in futility. Understandable futility, but still futile. It’s essentially gossip, and although it can be a short feel- good in the moment, it really isn’t very helpful in the long run.
Recently, I tried to have a no complaining week. It lasted for a couple of hours. I gave myself some compassion because complaining is a normal human behavior. Then, I decided to do a deeper dive into why I complain sometimes. What I found is that I’m almost always looking for compassion when I complain. I want someone to hear me out and validate that my feelings are completely normal and understandable! There is nothing worse (Okay, maybe a few things.) than complaining to someone who tells you not to feel that way! I feel this way and I want people to hear me out.
Rarely do I complain because I want someone to fix something for me. I can fix things myself. I want to be heard. I want compassion. Am I alone in this? I’m pretty sure I’m not, based on my conversations with friends, colleagues, and clients. We get frustrated and upset, our feelings get hurt, and we want to complain to someone. Of course we do! Who likes to be miserable all by themselves? Not me. I’ve also realized that I don’t need you to be miserable as well, but rather hear and validate my misery. That is all. Hear me.
When you complain, are you seeking compassion and empathy or a solution to your problem? Understanding what you need can turn complaining into a productive, positive activity. #complaining #compassion #empathy #problemsolving Click To TweetSo, for those of us who like to complain, here’s an idea: Next time you want to complain to someone, tell them what you want from them when you share your complaints. “I need to complain for a few minutes. You don’t need to do anything but really hear me. I don’t need you to fix it for me or try to change my feelings. I just want you to empathize with my experience.” Or if you want them to help you, you could say, “I want to complain about something for a few minutes and then I want you to help me to find a solution to the situation that I’m complaining about.”
Try it out and let me know how it goes. You can even come to me to complain about not finding a safe space to actually complain. I’m here for it.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC