This month will be my 33rd wedding anniversary. My husband and I are also about six months from having all three of our children off of our payroll. I’m incredibly delighted with my three young-adult children and one adult daughter-in-law. I love getting to know them as adults and to watch them grow into the humans they are becoming. When they were little, people used to say, “Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.” It’s a saying that is, for the most part, true.
Or at least it felt truer through those sticky adolescent years. Now, there are certainly times when I worry about them. My worries seem bigger than when the questions were would they take whole milk or skim milk or would they have fun in preschool. Yet, are their problems actually bigger or is my worry bigger? I’m going to own that it’s my worry that’s bigger and it’s bigger because as they get older, we have less and less control and influence over what they do.
When they were little, I was the boss. We lived in a democracy, but I got way more votes than they did! Now, much to my mixed feelings, they make their own decisions. Sometimes I don’t love those decisions. In fact, sometimes I actively dislike those decisions, and that’s when the problems feel bigger. Why won’t my kids do what I want them to do? Don’t they see how brilliant I am at giving advice, yet often not fully living it myself?
Do big kids really have bigger problems or do we, parents, just have less control over their choices? #parenting #emptynest #independence Click To TweetWhy won’t my kids live where I want them to live, take jobs that I want them to take, and agree with most everything I tell them? Apparently, it’s because I was a fool and raised them to be independent thinkers who want to live their own lives. What exactly was I thinking when I promoted such ridiculous ideas? Apparently, the biggest problem with raising kids is that the problems are no longer ours as their parents.
Bring on the grandchildren so that I can tell my own children about the little kid, little problems theory of parenting. Let them learn their own lessons about what that really means.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC
I agree with you 100%. Yes it’s so hard and we worry so much yet there spreading there wings and actively enjoying there lives while each year there bringing on new adventures . Sitting back is not easy but we have to trust them that they will continue to be good ,loving and,successful Happy adults. Yes please bring on those grandchildren!!!❤💙
My grandma used to say “little kids little problems, big kids big problems! I say it all the time now that my grown- up kids have had real problems. So difficult not to give them advice unless they specifically ask for it! So difficult to say “what do you think you should do?” Bring on the grandchildren!!
I love parenting my young adult kids (I did not love parenting my kids when they were younger). I want my relationship with them to empower them to make their own decisions – and live with and enjoy the consequences of those decisions – even if the consequences do not fulfill them, or do not please me. I found when I asked questions from a place of curiosity my children’s thought process was not disorganized. It was very organized, deliberate – perhaps misinformed, but not without its logic and their own reasons of importance. It usually took into considering details I couldn’t possibly know about their personal relationships with friends and teachers and other people of authority. Coming from a place of how can I support you in achieving what you want, is a much more empowering place to be – even if my answer is no – I will not do that, but I can do this. The ultimate goal – as I look back on my own turning into an adult is to not be disempowered by someone else’s expectations. I don’t want my kids waiting until they are 49 like me to figure out they got the power. I am not always successful, and sometimes I have to circle back and try again and undo a mistake I made in the process of allowing them to grow…
This is brilliant. I love the way you own your truth. This line particularly rings true for me and my adult kids!
“Don’t they see how brilliant I am at giving advice, yet often not fully living it myself?”
I see you. Thanks for sharing.