Many of my clients and friends are truly everything to everybody . . . and they are truly miserable. They are the perfect wives, the perfect mothers, the go-to women at work, adoring daughters, and the always-available friend. They are also completely pissed off, resentful, and bordering on walking away from everyone.
Since when did being everything to everybody become a good thing?
Giving of our time and energy to those we love is often an important aspect of who we are. However, doing so at the expense of those very same relationships and our sanity really doesn’t make much sense. There are times when we need to be everything to ourselves and better balance the other relationships in our lives. Dropping everything for a friend in crisis makes sense. Dropping everything whenever any friend calls, doesn’t.
Doing things for our children and then resenting them for it also doesn’t make much sense. Either do something for them and do it gladly or don’t do it at all. Being a martyr for your children hurts your relationship with them far more than having them do some (or many) things on their own. Same with our partners and our co-workers.
When we do things for people that they are both capable of doing themselves and are too demanding for us, we hurt all involved. We are not meant to be everything for everyone. We are meant to have happy and fulfilled lives through relationships, but also through our own well-being.
Remember, if you say yes because you feel guilty, you are likely to also feel resentful. #guilt #selfcare Click To Tweet
It’s time to set some appropriate limits for yourself. Don’t say yes right away. Say, “I need to think about that. I’ll get back to you soon.” And then really think about the right thing to do for both you and the other person. Remember, if you say yes because you feel guilty, you are likely to also feel resentful.
Saying no is hard. Setting limits for yourself can also be hard, but being miserable is a lot harder. It’s time to stop being everything for everybody and start being you. You will be benefiting yourself, your family, and all of those that love you. If taking care of yourself doesn’t work for those around you, then maybe you shouldn’t be around them.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC
Don’t Let Stress Control Your Life
Stress is literally killing us. It is physically debilitating, emotionally exhausting, and a true relationship destroyer. Much of the common stress reduction advice is superficial and at best a Band-Aid. Lisa’s tried and true approach to permanent stress reduction has changed many of her client’s lives. She teaches you the exact steps you need to take to reduce stress for good regardless of the chaos around you.- When you know how to reduce the stress in your life and your reaction to it, you will be filled with happiness and relief.
- You will no longer fear stressful situations or how you will feel when you confront them.
- Without all of that stress your relationships will improve, you will be more productive, and filled with amazing energy.
I just had a conversation about feeling stifled at home with my GM today. It took me reading this here to realize he’s really being more than a boss. I’m way too old to be living with my parents and I think I’ve let myself be bullied into thinking it’s in my best interest to remain at home. No one at home has any respect for me and they act like the house will crumble if I don’t come support it with my shoulders. Every time I broach the topic of leaving, the emotional blackmail begins. It’s so frustrating. No relief anywhere. My friends tell me the office will function without me, my family tell me my friends will move on if I don’t do it for them and my colleagues tell me I need to take a stand at home and quit putting my life on hold for people who are living theirs. All true. But how easy is it to get yourself out of the rut? I think the only way to survive is to leave the city but I feel too old to be doing this now. Lisa I hear you loud and clear but I’m afraid. I know it’s pathetic but it’s the truth.