There’s a very entertaining online thread called, “AITA – Am I the Asshole?” It’s a subreddit that was created in 2013 by photographer and dog rescuer, Marc Beaulac. Beaulac wanted to determine if he had been inappropriately mansplaining in a debate with female coworkers about the temperature of their office. If you haven’t read any of the scenarios, I highly recommend them. The questions are often very fascinating and what’s more fascinating are the responses from readers.
Yet in Beaulac’s case and in every other case I’ve read, there’s a reason people are asking if they are TA or not. It’s because they are looking for validation for their behavior. And as much as I like external validation, it never answers the question, AITA? Only I can know that for sure. By asking people for their input, I’m looking for some type of either backup for my behavior or a subtle shaming of my behavior. By asking if I’m TA, I’m not taking the time to answer that question for myself.
Why am I asking the question? Do I notice that someone I was speaking to seemed offended? Do I feel bad walking away from that discussion or situation? What’s really going on here that’s leading me to ask if I’m TA. It also is me looking for validation from people who have nothing to do with the scenario I’m sharing. Instead of asking the other players how they feel about me and our conversation, I’m asking complete strangers to tell me if I did the right think or not. It’s an interesting concept, and yet I’m not sure if it’s a helpful one.
We all have the responsibility of owning how we behave, communicate, and show up. We are not responsible for how others respond or react to that. However, we can stop and ask ourselves why someone might be upset about something we said or did. This allows us to ask ourselves if that’s how we want to show up next time. AITA? No. However, I am responsible for my behavior and I’m responsible for deciding if my behavior is painful or toxic for other people.
What I’m trying to say is that I think most people who ask if they are TA, know if they are or not and they just want to be validated one way or another. It makes for a very fun subreddit column, yet ultimately it doesn’t make for being in full ownership of who we are and how we show up in the world.
Love,
Certified Professional Coach and Psychologist
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How often have you wished for that person in your life who listens deeply, doesn’t judge you, and doesn’t try to fix you? That person who holds space for you to talk through your struggles, your hopes, and dreams so that you can live the personal and professional life that you truly want? I’m that person. Yes, I’m a psychologist and a professional life and leadership coach but my superpower is listening, deep, empathic, compassionate listening. If you’ve been seeking a professional listener who will help you live the life you truly desire, let’s set up a time to talk. My email is Lisa@LisaKaplin.com.