As my three children get older, it appears that they are going to do what they want to do. It’s shocking. I was really hoping that they would let me boss them around for a few more years in order to make sure they picked the right colleges, the right careers, and partners that were pre-approved by me. Oddly enough, they seem to have minds and opinions of their own and some of those opinions are different than mine. This seems somewhat impossible, since I had worked so hard at influencing them. Some might call it brainwashing.
Now, it appears, my job is simply to accept my children and their decisions.
Now, it appears, my job is simply to accept my children and their decisions. I wish someone had warned me about this turn of events earlier. I would have worried a bit less and attempted manipulation a lot less. Oddly enough, they even seem to be making relatively decent decisions. Decisions that reflect back on them and not me. They are three unique individuals with their own dreams, goals, and desires. They look a bit like my husband and me, yet they are so wonderfully themselves it is often all that I see.
If I could do anything different in the raising of my children, I would actually accept them sooner. Of course I loved them unconditionally, yet I tried hard to push them in directions that I thought would be best for them. They pushed back and asked for their own space and independence. When I granted it, they became stronger, wiser, and more of their own unique selves.
My children flourished under my newly acquired acceptance policy.
The most interesting aspect of this whole concept came about when I saw how well my children flourished under my newly acquired acceptance policy. I decided to try it on myself; to truly accept who I was, what I looked like, what I liked to do, and how I wanted to spend my time. I stopped making excuses and stopped trying to please others and sure enough, I flourished as well. It turns out acceptance allows you to grow, to move through life without fear, and to venture into scary yet tantalizing new aspects of life.
So take my advice. Accept your children. Accept your partner. But most importantly, accept yourself. Notice what happens when you are flooded with acceptance and understanding. See how far you can go when you are left to just be yourself.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC