One of the more common themes that I hear from my clients and students are stories and resentments about their childhood. It seems that many of us grew up in toxic or dysfunctional households. Many of us have lots of negative memories of one or both parents being emotionally, and sometimes physically, cruel. We remember angry words, belittling comments, and painful comparisons to our siblings. For so many of us, childhood isn’t a good memory. 

Yet, how helpful is it for us in our adult lives to still hold on to resentment and anger towards our parents? I’m not suggesting that we pretend that abuse, or even negative treatment, be forgotten or ignored, but rather obtain an acceptance of our past and a way to move forward without as much negative energy that those older memories can trigger. 

Recently, a brilliant client shared with me something that she did to help her heal and feel better about her strained relationship with one of her parents. Her memories of childhood often felt negative. Her relationship with her living parent was strained due to her experiences with him as a child and young woman. My client decided to write up all of her happy memories from childhood. 

At first, she wasn’t sure if she would have many happy memories. Once she chose to start looking for them, she was able to write down pages worth. She found that she had lots of fond and even joyful memories from childhood. Some of them with her siblings and many with her parents. My client told me how powerful it was for her to write these happy memories down and to realize there were many good things that came from her childhood.

Again, I’m not recommending you do this if your childhood was too toxic or abusive for you to dig into the past without the help of a qualified therapist. This is a fun project if your family life was challenging, but not abusive. After working with a therapist and coming to terms with your childhood and relationship with your caregivers, this might be a good exercise to utilize to recognize some of the positives of your youth. 

After my client finished writing up her happy memories, she decided to put them together in a small book for her father. She presented it to him when they had a few moments alone. Although she didn’t sit with him as he read it, she saw how pleased he was to receive such a special gift and to understand that this was my client’s way of making peace with her aging father. What a beautiful gift she gave to herself and her father. She did so not long before he passed away. 

Sometimes it is very challenging to find positives or even joy from challenging family dynamics and painful childhoods. Doing so might not be right for everyone, but after my client told me her story, I thought about how powerful it can be to recognize and embrace the positives of our history. Often there are nuggets of hope, faith, and joy in those histories. By finding them, we can change the lens on our past and bring some of that joy to our present lives. 

Love,

Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC