My husband and I are at the age in which many of our friends are losing their parents. We find ourselves in the unenviable position of attending funerals throughout the year. Interestingly enough, I’ve found some of these funerals to be oddly wonderful and moving. I walk out of the funeral motivated to do more with my life. All of the funerals are sad, but a few are sad because there is no wonder or joy in the eulogies given for the deceased.
I’ve given this a great deal of thought and here are three ways to have a wonderful funeral.
1) Be memorably passionate about something.
My favorite funerals have been those in which the deceased was passionate about a cause, their family, friends, a hobby, a sports team, or some other memorable focus. Loving family members and friends recalled exciting, and at times hilarious memories of their loved one’s passion. They spoke of the joy and excitement that this passion brought the deceased and how often these passions were passed on to other family members. Life appears to be too short not to be really excited about something. One rather sad funeral had the child of the deceased speaking of how his father was prompt. This was said with no enthusiasm or humor. If promptness is the only accolade that could be said about me during my eulogy, I’m fairly confident that I didn’t lead a very adventurous life.
2) Be aware that your family is observing you and behave accordingly.
My favorite funeral was for my girlfriend’s father. At his funeral, his children told hysterical stories of their father’s continued efforts to find alone time, including sitting in his car in the driveway reading the newspaper. Not only did his children find this funny, but they also noticed that after he had his alone time, their dad was present, fun, and fully engaged with his family. Another family discussed how their deceased father was always kind and loving to their mother. It was never discussed, but his behavior led each of them to choose equally kind and loving spouses. All of my favorite funerals included stories of good deeds performed by the deceased that were done quietly and without attention brought to it. The family members noticed these deeds and valued their loved one even more because of it.
3) What you do for a living is the least important aspect of your life.
At all of my favorite funerals, the most common theme came when I realized that I didn’t know what the deceased had done for a living. Their families spoke so highly of how they lived their lives and what they contributed to their families and communities, that their career was the least important information about them. Often, careers were never even mentioned. One husband was eulogized by acknowledging his two favorite words, his wife’s first and middle name. Another was recognized for outstanding acts of grandparenting, and another for outstanding social service done quietly yet consistently throughout her life.
Many of us are busy with the minutia of our daily lives. We don’t stop to think about how we want to be remembered at the end of our life. Funerals have helped me to get a little more focus and clarity on both the brevity of our lives combined with the opportunity to live it well. Listen carefully at the next funeral you attend and see if you can gather information to help you have a wonderful funeral – many, many years from now.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC