Here’s what I hear from clients quite frequently: “I just don’t have the confidence to do that. I’m scared.” I get that, and I think it’s a normal emotion to have fear around new situations and challenging pursuits. Interestingly enough, most advice around confidence sounds very much like a Nike commercial, “Just do it.” Yet really, if we could just do it, then we wouldn’t be talking about confidence, right? So although I realize that action increases confidence and inaction increases fear, pitching that concept doesn’t seem to be particularly helpful and therein lies the confidence conundrum.
So how do I help my clients push through the conundrum and into the confidence connection? With three very specific and relatively simple steps:
1) They change their internal messaging.
Most of us have a running tape in our head that can often be very negative and holding us back. “Oh I couldn’t do that. It’s too scary. I’ll fail again.” If that is our messaging, we can’t possibly step into our fears and become confident. Therefore, I ask my clients to pick a statement of confidence and to repeat it to themselves again and again until they actually start to believe it. The statement might be as simple as, “I can do this” or “All is well.” Often I suggest that they write it daily and speak it as frequently as possible.
When we tell ourselves that we can’t do something our brain scans our environment to prove us right. Versus telling ourselves that we can and having our brain look for evidence of the positive type. It’s going to be really hard to become confident if you keep telling yourself that you aren’t. Start right this minute by picking up a confidence type statement and repeating it to yourself numerous times a day.
2) They take one teeny tiny step into confidence.
After they’ve worked on their internal messaging, then it’s time to take a small step into confidence. I ask my clients to pick out a very small change that they can make in order to become more confident. Sometimes it’s asking for something different on a restaurant menu and sometimes it’s contributing to a meeting. It really doesn’t matter what it is, but it needs to be something that feels like a bit of progress. What is one thing that you can do this week that would make you feel just a little bit more confident? Is it learning something new, standing up straight, speaking up, speaking louder, or asking for something?
3) They workout their confidence muscle daily.
After they’ve taken a small step I push my clients to build on that small step. What are two things you can do each day to feel more confident? What’s a bigger confidence goal for you? What’s your biggest confidence goal and what will you need to do to get there? Sometimes it’s just getting out of bed and sometimes it’s approaching a challenging situation. Keep reminding yourself of your confidence affirmation, especially when you start to feel fearful or anxious. Do not berate yourself if you don’t do it; remind yourself that you are doing your best. Don’t give up!
So start today by listening to what you are saying to yourself and how you can change that message into one that will lead you to both confidence and action. Once you get the hang of it, it becomes easier and easier to do. Try to think back to a time when you felt confident about something. How did you get there? Can you follow those steps again? I know that you can! Let me know how you do or if you have any questions as to how to make the confidence connection.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC