Here’s what I hear from women, “No, he wasn’t very nice to me, but I’m okay. I’m tough.” “So no one listens to me at my house? I can handle it. It’s no big deal.” “There’s no doubt he has dragged the divorce out and has been bullying me, but it’s not that bad. I mean other women have it worse than me.” And so it goes that women keep suggesting that they have a high pain tolerance and can “handle” situations that are more than a bit unhealthy and unpleasant. Why is it okay to accept these situations at our own expense?
Holding on to even low-lying pain is like carrying an anchor around all day. We can probably do it, but at what cost to our own health and well-being? Is it possible that maybe we need to lower our pain tolerance and start setting some firm limits around how we let others treat us? Why is it okay to allow a little bullying from your boss, or disrespect from your children, or aggressiveness from a soon to be ex? All of those situations suck the energy and joy out of your life and honestly, you deserve better.
I know what many of you will say, “Oh but I don’t like to rock the boat. Conflict makes me feel uncomfortable and it’s not that big of a deal.” Setting limits around yourself isn’t rocking the boat; it is taking care of yourself. Trust me, I’ve had many clients come to me after years of not rocking the boat and they are exhausted, stressed out, and about ready to crack. Life wasn’t meant to be lived in emotional distress.
It’s time to set some limits around what you are tolerating in life. Yes, it can be scary to speak up, but what’s the alternative? Constant frustration and pain? Sometimes we need to put distance between highly toxic people and ourselves. We are entitled to do so. Limit setting can be hard for most of us. We want to be there for others. We want to fix things and make them right, but doing those things at our own expense isn’t the way to help.
So ladies, I’m calling for a pain tolerance reduction! Join me in saying that our well-being is as important as everyone else’s. Set some limits around how others treat you, your time, and your own happiness. Exhaustion, misery, and pain tolerance are not badges of honor or signs of strength. Strength is taking care of ourselves, living life in the healthiest and most joyful way that we can. If you don’t have to be in pain, why would you choose to be?
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC