Here’s what my clients tell me, “I need to be completely selfless, that’s just who I am. Otherwise I’m being selfish and I’m not happy that way.” They tell me this as if women have only two choices in life, to give up everything for others or to only care about themselves. Either way, I’ve found that my clients are miserable at both ends of this spectrum. And here’s the thing, it is a spectrum! And if it’s a spectrum, that means that there are thousands of options between both ends of selfless and selfish. Why do we have so much trouble finding those middle spots?
I’ve never seen a woman look anything but ragged and exhausted after taking care of others and giving nothing to herself.
Maybe we were raised to be “good girls” and we took that to mean that everyone else comes before us. Or maybe we are afraid we will lose people we love if we don’t give completely of ourselves? There are a myriad of reasons that may have gotten us to this place, but none of them are worthy of losing our well-being and joy. If giving of yourself at all costs brings you contentment and happiness, then do your thing. Yet I’ve never seen a woman look anything but ragged and exhausted after taking care of others and giving nothing to herself.
Since when did finding time and space for ourselves come to mean that we are selfish? I’m always amazed when mothers tell me that they feel too guilty when they have a girl’s night out or a well-deserved afternoon on their own. Does motherhood mean instant martyrdom? I didn’t get that memo and I don’t want it. Neither selflessness nor selfishness will be good for our own happiness and productivity or for those around us. If you want to be productive at work, learn how to take care of yourself. If you want to be a good mom, you’d better put your own well-being into the mix.
So how do we get off the selfish/selfless misery train?
So how do we get off the selfish/selfless misery train? First, we have to recognize that we are on it. We have to notice the things we are saying to ourselves that are keeping us stuck. Things like, “I have to put everyone else first or things will fall apart.” Or, “Poor me, I deserve time for myself and I’m going to take it right now regardless of what’s going on at work.” One end of that is a true victim mentality and the other end is an angry aggressive mindset – neither one is going to make you happy or content!
Check your thoughts every time you get on the misery train and then do the work you need to do to change how you are thinking about the situation. Selfless and selfish thoughts are normal, but they aren’t a bit helpful. Stop for five minutes when you get caught in either of those mindsets and ask yourself a few questions; “What’s the best use of my time right now?” “Will I be helping myself and others with my decision or will I just be hurting myself while only helping others? “Am I feeling sorry for myself right now? If so, why?” “Am I angry right now? If so, why?”
By slowly and carefully answering these questions of yourself or of someone who wants to help you, you will start to realize your motivation for your actions. Once you do that, you have the power to change both your mindset and your actions, which will ultimately be better for you and for those around you.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC