There Are a Lot of Unhappy Relationships Out There
Based on statistics and what I hear from others, there are a lot of unhappy relationships out there. Half of us get divorced and it seems like a big chunk of the other half isn’t very happy. So what’s really the problem? Well if we take out abuse and affairs it seems that the biggest problem couples have is a lack of acceptance of each other. “He never says nice things to me.” “She nags me all the time and doesn’t appreciate me.” “He should know what I want.” “She should know what I want.” And on and on this sad story goes. So what’s the solution?
The answer is simple, the act really isn’t. You must either accept your partner as they are or you must leave because your continued attempts to make them into something they are not is destined to fail. You can ask for a few specific behavioral changes but inevitably you cannot change the basic characteristics of your partner. If your partner likes to veg on the couch to relax, it’s unlikely that they are going to motivate for the 10-mile hike that floats your boat.
What if You Both Accept Each Others Quirks?
Yet here’s the interesting part, when you start really and truly accepting your partner, they start to really and truly accept you and that’s when the good stuff starts to happen. What would happen if you both accepted each other’s quirks and little annoyances? What if that acceptance actually made you closer and more willing to be flexible for and with each other? Wouldn’t it be life’s little irony if acceptance of your partner actually led to a little bit of change?
If there are things about your partner that you truly can’t accept, than you really should consider leaving. Staying and being miserable is worse than the relatively short-term pain of leaving. Staying with the hope (and maybe plan) of changing your partner by telling them how terrible they are will only lead to fighting, resentment, less respect, and less intimacy on all levels. Is this really the relationship that you want?
Get Real With Yourself
So get real with yourself. Look at your relationship, your partner and ask yourself if you can accept them just the way they are and love them despite/because of it. If not, it’s only right to make plans to leave. If you can accept all that comes with your partner, do it. Do it with love, compassion, and true acceptance. Watch what happens when you stop criticizing, start accepting, and start loving unconditionally. You may actually end up with everything you’ve ever wanted in a partner.
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC