Annoyed with your partner? There might not be a whole lot you can do about it.
“How Can I Change My Partner?”
A lot of people ask me “how can I change my partner?” My short answer is, “you can’t.” My longer answer is that you can’t change them and you shouldn’t try. This doesn’t mean you should accept poor treatment or unkindness from your partner, but it does mean that if you are trying to change your partner’s basic personality traits (or quirks), you are doomed to failure and it’s likely that your relationship is headed down a bad path as well.
Many of us get into committed relationships with the hope that we can change the things we don’t like about our partner. We say things like, “once we are committed he will be more vocal about his feelings for me.” Or “I know she won’t care if I’m sloppy once we are married.” Yet most people in long term relationships will tell you that not only does their partner not change, but often they get more set in their ways and less pliable to your demands.
How You Look at What Bothers You About Your Partner
So if you can’t change what you don’t like about another person, what can you do? First, you can consider changing how you look at what bothers you about your partner. If your partner often leaves a mess behind, do you assume that it’s because they don’t care about you? Unless they are doing it to intentionally annoy you, then most likely their sloppiness isn’t really about you but rather about them. Can you either find a way to live with it or compromise in some way?
Is Your Partner’s Behavior in Direct Disagreement With You?
Second, you can find out if their behavior is in direct disagreement with your requests or just how they operate in life. How can you find out? You can ask, “I’m wondering if I stopped asking you to clean up would you do it on your own or is cleaning up not something you are ever interested in doing?” If they tell you they would gladly clean up if you just stopped asking, you have a choice to make: stop asking or keep up the passive aggressive games that the two of you are playing. Yes, it would be nice if your partner stopped first, but one of you has to lead the way.
Can You Live With the Behavior Without Harping?
Third, you must decide if you can live with your partner’s behavior without constantly commenting or harping on it. If not, I would strongly recommend that you leave the relationship. Why choose to be in a partnership in which something about the other person makes you miserable? That is simply a recipe for a truly unhappy life for both of you. If you find that you don’t want to leave the relationship then you must find a way to live with the things that you don’t like about your partner.
If you are truly ready to leave the relationship if a change isn’t made, then you need to approach your partner with your request. Continue reading the full article on YourTango …
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC