One of the most common reasons that women come to see me is that they have lost the feeling of happiness in their lives. Maybe life didn’t turn out the way they thought it would or maybe it did and they thought they would be happier. Or they have lost weight, or finally have a family, or have gotten divorced, or finished college, and yet the happiness is still missing. They are joyless and without energy and just don’t know where to begin.
Looking for Happiness in All the Wrong Places
And that’s where my work comes in because I think most of us are looking for happiness in all the wrong places. Happiness can be found with external things such as a new car, clothes, weight loss, etc. but not always. Happiness can also be found internally by shifting our focus, expressing our feelings, understanding our responses, and connecting to our true values. Yet most of us have no idea how to achieve happiness either externally or internally. Today I’m going to focus on the external pursuit of happiness and next week I’ll talk about the internal pursuit.
Most Women Don’t Know What Makes Them Happy
So despite outward appearances of having it all pulled together and pretend happiness, many women say that they aren’t very happy. Why would this be? Interestingly enough, I find that most of them don’t know what unique factors make them happy. Maybe so many of us have been sold an external picture of happiness that we’ve lost contact with what really works for us. Some of us just want a safe car, others an attractive car, and some don’t want a car at all because it’s too expensive and they prefer to walk! Yet a lot of us seem to follow a prescribed path to happiness whether it’s a car or not and don’t really consider if it’s right for us personally.
Connect with the Things that Make You Happy
Why not begin to connect with the outward items that actually bring happiness and value to your life. Do you like an organized, clean living space? Do you like comfy couches or fuzzy blankets? Do you need better lighting or a new laptop? Check in with yourself on both material and non-material external issues and figure out what suits you so that you start to feel contentment and joy because of your external world. Do you wear high heels because you think you look good but they feel terrible? Or do you prefer dresses to pants? There is no right or wrong way to be happy. Each of us must look to and find our own way to get there.
Notice, Don’t Judge
Start noticing today when you feel joy, when you feel irritable, and when you feel calm and steady. Just notice, don’t judge. Then begin to think about what you can change and what you can’t. Start making small changes that feel good to you, make them a part of your daily life. It takes a little bit of effort to be happy but it takes a lot of conscious awareness about what happiness really means to us.
If you would like to learn exactly what’s keeping you from being happy and have an individual coaching session with me to design a happiness plan, email me at lisa (at) smartwomeninspiredlives.com for a 10% discount and all the details.
You may also want to read: The Happiness Hunt (part 2): The Internal Pursuit
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC