The holidays can be a glorious time for family togetherness, great food, beautiful decorations, and spiritual and religious growth. It can also be prime time for the dreaded emotions of resentment and guilt. What is it about the holiday season that summons up annoyance and aggravation to the point of seasonal dread? And more importantly, what can be done about it?
Here’s How the Yes/No Method Works
Over the last couple of years I’ve developed a highly effective way of coping: the yes/no method for my clients. I prescribe it year round, but find that it’s particularly effective during the holidays. Here’s how the yes/no method works: you may only say yes to requests from others if you do so without resentment, and you may only say no to others without guilt.
Having watched the faces of numerous clients after I first describe the method, I get that you might look at this plan with a bit of skepticism. But take a few minutes and hear me out on this one. Let’s use a typical mother-in-law example from the holidays to explain the yes/no method. Your mother-in-law asks you to bring numerous homemade dishes to her house for the holidays. She also asks you to buy gifts for your kids “from her” and run a few last minute errands on the day of Christmas Eve because she’s of time.
Who is Suffering from You Saying Yes?
Understandably, you want to be a good daughter-in-law, so you say yes to all of her requests. But you’re pissed off, completely annoyed, cursing under your breath, and really resentful. By the time you show up for Christmas Eve dinner, you’re so resentful that you’ve snapped at your kids, ignored your husband, and can’t even look your mother-in-law in the eye. Who suffered from your saying yes to things you didn’t want to do? Everyone, you included.
However, what if you said no to your mother-in-law and she was obviously disappointed with you? You probably feel guilty now, right? With your guilt you’ll either do what she asks and head right back into resentment, or you’ll not do it, but will show up feeling chagrined and irritated. Either way, you’re miserable, and most likely everyone around you is as well. Continue reading the full article here…
Love,
Lisa Kaplin Psy. D. PCC